The Silent Destroyer of Marriage

If you have ever had a home built then you know how exciting it can be to see the construction going up. You took the time to find a neighborhood, choose a plan, put down earnest money, choose your fixtures and upgrades and then they begin building you a home. As much time, energy, emotions and money that you put into your home, it would be tragic to have it destroyed because of termites. Termites are very small insects, but they cause a lot of damage. As a matter of fact, each year termites cause more than $5 Billion dollars of property damage. Five billion, with a B. And these are costs that are not typically covered by homeowners insurance. Tragic.

Silent Destroyers

Termites are known as the “silent destroyers” because of their ability to chew thru wood, flooring and even wall paper UNDETECTED. All of what you put into your home to make it great can be destroyed by termites. In my book subtitled, “How to build a great marriage,” I use the analogy of building a home. Just like you have to build your new home after you sign the contract, you have to build your new marriage after you sign the covenant. But just like there is a silent destroyer of homes, there is also a silent destroyer of marriage and it is called Pride. I call pride “relationship termites.”

No marriage can survive the onslaught of Pride. And just like termites, pride does most of its damage undetected because pride has the ability to disguise itself to look like righteousness. by the time you realize you are in pride, destruction has already begun. The greatest relationship book ever written even says, “Pride comes before destruction.” Pride (sometimes referred to as ego) is being focused on self. Pride is the polar opposite of love. Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. But pride IS about you. Pride focuses on my needs, my wants, my hurts, my desires…You cannot walk in love and in pride at the same time. You will do one or the other.

"You cannot walk in Love and Pride at the same time."

-Clifton Brantley, MA, LMFT

Pain Provides Access for Pride

When your mate hurts you, you are immediately in danger of being overcome with pride. Pain provides access to pride. Just think about when you bang your knee...where does your hand go? Your attention turns toward what is hurting. While this is a natural tendency, doing this in your marriage is going to injure the relationship. You cannot love your spouse while looking at yourself. When you try to love your spouse based on how you feel, what you need, what you think, what you want or what you are afraid of, you are going to injure them.

How to Kill Pride

I found 6 ways to kill termites naturally but there was one way that actually stood out to me more than the rest and that was Sunlight. If there is not enough sunlight penetrating your home then it is likely that termites will destroy your home, according to termite experts. Sunlight plays an important role in killing the termites naturally so you should make sure to let enough sunlight come in. If there is not enough sunlight penetrating your home then it is likely that termites will destroy your house, according the termite experts. Sunlight plays an important role in killing the termites naturally so you should make sure to let enough sunlight come in. In the same way, if there is not enough sunlight penetrating your marriage, then it is likely that pride will destroy your marriage. Sunlight plays an important role in killing pride naturally.

In the middle of Pride is "I"

Learn to Love

Let the Sunlight In

Sunlight for marriage is Love and you must let it shine bright. Love is the only thing that will stop the destruction of pride. Everyone gets married because they want someone to love them. The problem is that couples stay in this selfish mindset of "when are you going to meet my needs" and they never transition to being outward focused towards their spouse. Pride says, "If you hurt me then I need to hurt you back." That can happen by lashing out, withdrawing, being sarcastic, and number of other ways. But love on the other hand says, "You hurt me, but let me give more love." This happens by focusing on restoring unity as opposed to focusing on being heard or being right.

It Takes Practice

Love, when done the right way, is not easy to do. It takes practice. Starting from a place of assuming that your mate is not your enemy and that they are not evil will help you process their error or stupidity differently. Just remember, if you injure your spouse emotionally, you are injuring the marriage that YOU are apart of. It's YOUR marriage. I'm reminded of the movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They destroyed their own home trying to get at each other. Don't do that. You must be diligent about identifying, eradicating and protecting your marriage from the silent destroyer.

Broken Promises - Life After Divorce

How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? What do I do now? What will my future be like? Why wasn't I good enough? Who will want me now? What will everyone say? Did I try hard enough? Why did God allow this to happen? When will the pain stop?

These are all common questions you ask yourself if your marriage ends. No one gets married to get divorced. No one goes into marriage hoping to fail. And yet, over and over, time after time, the divorce rate continues to climb to staggering numbers. As a therapist, I am committed to helping couples have great marriages. I wish that every marriage would thrive and society be stronger as a whole, producing generations of informed lovers. But the reality of divorce is not something that can be ignored. 

Thousands of people get married every year and the overwhelming majority of them do not know what they are signing up for. The real tragedy is that divorce can wreck so many lives, like a 5 year old getting behind the wheel of a car, driving in Houston traffic. The damage potential is high. People make promises that they have not prepared themselves to keep. I often ask clients, "When you signed up for, 'For better or for worse,' what did you think worse looked like? 

Divorce is a life altering experience that God hates. It kills hopes and dreams. It alters reality and reinforces insecurities. It is as if you lost a loved one. What you thought was real is no longer real. What kept you safe has now turned your world upside down. I hope this will help comfort your grieving heart.

Where do we go from here?

Hope

Hope is the expectation of something good. Divorce steals your hope. When hope is gone it is difficult to find joy in life. It is difficult to get out of bed, to go to work, to do life period. The thing about life is that it has no pause button. So many times I've wished I could just pause life so I could have time to catch my breath. No, you must keep doing what you have to do while being crushed into little pieces. 

In my office I do not do "Christian" counseling with every client because not every one wants that. However, when it comes to the issues of life such a death and divorce, I have no greater answer than resurrecting power of Jesus. "Hope" that is not connected to Him will not be able to sustain during such a difficult time. One of my favorite stories is when two of Jesus' disciples were walking, on there way to hide and mourn, and Jesus comes up behind them but they were hidden from recognizing him. It is recorded in Luke 24:13-32. When he asked what they were talking about they told him about what had happened to Jesus and they said "we had hoped he was the Messiah..." Their Hope had been destroyed because things did not turn out the way they thought they would. They were lost, without hope, and were hiding. Jesus began to talk to them from the old testament scriptures about himself. They invited him to come eat with them and once we broke the bread then their eyes were open and recognized him.

• Pain that is the result of things not working out the way you had planned (divorce) can cause you to lose hope. 
• In the midst of your pain, it is difficult to find Hope, even though Hope is still with you
• Your Hope after a major loss like divorce will come from remembering God's word
• Just like when Jesus broke the bread, sometimes you can't have Hope until after you have been broken.

In order to make it thru this difficult time, you must have your hope restored. Therapy can help you with that process. 

Grieving

You were never meant to "tough." Acting tough only makes you weaker and more mentally and emotionally unstable because the way you are acting doesn't match what you are internally feeling. Grieving the loss of your marriage is very normal. Here are some of the stages of grief and what you will likely experience in each:

1. Shock and Denial - The disbelief of what has happened can be paralyzing. You will find it hard to believe that your marriage is over and you will have a hard time accepting that you must let go. You will be in a state of shock.
2. Pain and Guilt - Your soul (the essence of who you are) may feel crushed. You will also be wondering if you did everything you could have to fix it. You will wonder what you could have done differently. You may beat yourself for not being perfect. You will feel as if you were not good enough to live up to the standard and you will feel it is your fault. Though painful, it is necessary to go thru the pain. Hiding it or suppressing it by distractions will cause you more harm. There may be days where you just do not feel like doing life. Sometimes you may actually have to take a day off.
3. Anger - You will get angry at your mate and possibly at God for what has happened. You will wonder, "why me?" Being angry is not wrong. Hurting others with your anger is wrong. But you have a right to be angry. You may also be angry at yourself.
4. Depression and loneliness - Depression is not simply "having a bad day." Depression is debilitating. The rejection you may feel and the changing of your reality makes depression almost inevitable. Loneliness is the feeling of missing what you two had. The best way to fight depression is to draw close to the ones you know love you. You need a lot of love poured in because you won't have much to give for a while.
5. Acceptance - As you begin to accept your reality your pain will become less paralyzing and more manageable. You may still hurt but you are accepting that there is life after this.
6. Rebuilding and Hope - Once you are able to grab hold to your hope, you will begin the process of being a better you. You will begin to see how this happened, take responsibility for your part, forgive yourself for being human and plan your future.

These stages do not necessarily go in order and they may overlap at times. You may go in and out of different stages several times before reaching the Hope stage. You are not the first person to go thru a divorce. Others have gone before you. The one who come out better are the ones who put in the work to be better. 

Forgiveness

As you heal from your divorce you will need to start to work towards forgiveness. You may be still hurt from what happened. You may be blaming yourself, your spouse or even your support system for failing. In order to reach emotional wholeness you will have to forgive. You may have to forgive your spouse for rejecting you and not recognizing your value beyond what they could see. You may have to forgive them for the things they did that hurt you because it really was not about you, it was about them. Forgiveness does not say that how you were treated is acceptable. Forgiveness says that you are releasing them from the responsibility of paying you back. You no longer treat them as if they owe you something. It's like when I bank forgives a debt. You may not be able to get another loan but you are released from having to pay the forgiven debt back. When there is unforgiveness in your life you cannot be authentic and present because a part of your emotional energy is still trapped in that relationship. You may also have to forgive yourself for being human. You may have done some things that you believe contributed to the divorce. We do what we know how to do so forgive yourself for not being as perfect as you think you should have been.

More help...

Here is a great article I found on healing after divorce. Its audience is women but I believe it can be applicable to men. If you would like to come in for therapy just fill out the come on the contact page. 
16 Ways to Find Healing and Hope After Divorce

Choosing the Right Therapist

Another argument. Another lie. Another disappointment. You are tired of the lack of communication and misunderstanding. Tired of the blaming and pettiness. This is not what you thought marriage would be! You signed up to do "Forever" but right now you are struggling to make it through "today." You both agree that it's time to seek out a therapist that can help you get on track. But how do you choose the right therapist?

Choosing the right therapist is not the most difficult thing to do, HOWEVER, it is very important to not choose someone just because they say they are a therapist. All therapist are not created equal. Here are a few things you should look for when you are trying to choose a therapist for marriage counseling.

1. They should be licensed in "marriage" therapy. Not all therapist are licensed as a marriage therapist. A licensed marriage therapist will have LMFT or LMFTA after their name, which stands for Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (Associate). We are trained a little differently that an LPC (licensed professional counselor). Our training heavily involves understanding systems theory (relationships are systems) and how we grow and develop in the context of relationships. LPC's focus more on the individual. That is not to say that an LPC could not do marriage counseling. It is the difference between taking your iPhone to the Apple Store vs. Radio Shack to be checked.

2. They should be experienced. Everyone has to start somewhere, but when it comes to the most important relationship you have, experience is very important. An experienced therapist will know how approach your specific issue and not simply treat you like the "textbook" says. 

3. Check their reviews. Almost everything we try these days is based on what the reviews say. What are people saying about the therapist you are considering? You have to make your decision for yourself, but do not ignore what others have experienced.

4. They should not be self-seeking. There are horror stories of therapists pushing what they want more than what the client wants. Therapists are like guides. You tell them what you want to accomplish and they will guide you to that end. 

5. They should be personable. When you meet with your therapist there should be a connection. You need someone who will be interested in learning how best to help you as opposed to having a "cookie-cutter" suggestions.

The reason we offer a complimentary 30 minute consultation is to give you a chance to get a feel for the therapist before you commit to working with him. 

Emergency Mindset

Waking up at 5 am is not early for a lot of people, but it is very early for someone who used to love sleeping in as long as possible. On a given day I typically would not have clients before 10. Business was "ok." I wanted my business to grow, and I had ideas on how to do that, but I procrastinated on implementing my plans. And then one day, all of a sudden my security blanket was ripped from under me. In just just 8 weeks my business is doing better than it ever has. I am also working harder than I have ever worked (and enjoying it). I wake up at 5 am everyday, even if I don't see my first client until 6pm. When out in public I talk to strangers about their marriage. I write every day now. I do a lot of things that would normally be out of my comfort zone when it comes to marketing. What happened? An Emergency happened.

Michael Hyatt says that successful people do not sleep late but instead they wake up EARLY in the morning. Mr. Hyatt is successful himself and he says that a key ingredient to success is starting your day early. If you are like me, you may say, "But I'm not a morning person and I don't want to wake up at 4am...my brain does not even turn on that early." But what if you were awakened at 4 am by a fire alarm and a house full of smoke, what would you do? I can tell you what you will NOT do...you will not stay in bed because your brain isn't ready to turn on. On the contrary, you would be up and running like a nose bleed. Why? Because it is an Emergency. 

When there is no Emergency...when there is no pressure, you will live life casually and sabotage your own success. You will procrastinate, make excuses and simply not give your all because there is no Emergency pushing you past your comfort zone. 

When there's an Emergency there is not a lot of time for debate and contemplation. It's a time to focus and take action. Focus is important because without it your actions will be chaotic. Emergency creates urgency. You may already know that your situation is critical. There is a difference between Critical and Urgent. Critical means it is very important and must be done at some point, but urgent means do it now.  

The urgency of the Emergency will force you to Emerge from mediocrity. The problem is that you may not be able to wait until life creates an Emergency for you because it may never do that. You have to have an Emergency mindset. Maybe your marriage is not thriving because you see it as critical but not urgent. Maybe that is why you haven't went back to school, started your business, drawn closer to God, been consistent in your quest for healthy living...maybe you don't have an Emergency mindset. I encourage you to develop an Emergency mindset.

Why is it important for you to get this? Because Life doesn't stop and as soon as you take your foot off of the gas you immediately fall behind. Immediately! If you live life casually, life will casually pass you by. How sad to be alive and never live. Les Brown says what if on your death bed you see gathered around you all of your hopes and dreams...everything you never pushed hard enough to accomplish, and they look at you and say 'You didn't pursue us with passion, and now we have to die with you and people will never know who we were. God gave us to you and you did nothing with us.' Don't let your dreams die with you. Live a life of passion and exceptional service and your dreams will live long after you are gone. That's called Legacy. But the only way to do that is to have an Emergency mindset.

Don't Make It Easy

In relationships people expect you to just believe in them with no evidence or action for you to attach your belief to. But it is interesting to me that Jesus did not expect those who believed in him to do so with blind faith. The book of John tells us over and over that "Jesus did this so that they would believe.

It is a mistake to believe that because you are in a love relationship then "works" doesn't matter. That is how people get comfortable in marriage, thinking that because your spouse loves you then you don't have to work at being "good" or even better than good.

I think it's the same reason a kid from extreme poverty will succeed on the court and the kid from the middle class won't. The kid from poverty is afraid to get comfortable. The middle class kid will work as hard as his comfort will allow. In the same way, spouses get comfortable and stop pushing for "next level connection" because they feel they already have the prize so they are comfortable. "I mean, I COULD learn to treat you the way you'd like to be treated, but I already have you so." God forbid they be Christian because now the Bible says you have to love me no matter what.

All you are doing is making it easy for the clean-up man/woman. It may not be right but it's real. People are going to do what they want to do, but don't make it easy for them to give up on you. Don't get so caught up in what YOU think about you, or even what God thinks about you but listen to what your spouse thinks of you. You may be living FOR Christ but you are WITH your spouse. If your spouse has had the same consistent complaint then maybe you should listen and try to address it. Do not let your relationship coast on autopilot and do not let the absence of major conflict make you think everything is fine.

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If you haven't given to the new book project yet please do so. You can give at https://www.gofundme.com/finishing-the-book. Thank you in advance for your support. It means a lot!!

Will You Repeat 2016?

We have made it to another new year. There has been no shortage of "New Year's encouragement" and I'm sure you have heard / read your share of it. But in all that you have read and heard, how much of it have you acted on? We are five days in and some of you vowed that this year would be different than last year, but you have yet to do anything different in these first five days of the new year. Did you know that change does not just happen? You have to MAKE change happen. You may think it's not that crucial because it's only been 5 days. If you are not careful, it will be 30 days and then 60 and then 6 months. Before you know it you will have repeated 2016.

If you want 2017 to be different you have to change your mind, not just your words. When I say "change your mind" I am talking about a radical change, not a casual change. Your brain is designed to find the path of least resistance. That's why most people do not change, and if they do they do not change much. It is easier to keep going the way you are going than to change and do something different. You can't simply want to have a different year and not actively and aggressively pursue it. You've heard it before, "Insanity is doing the same thing the same way over and over but expecting a different result."

Why don't people change?

One reason is because the brain will gravitate to the path of least resistance if left on automatic like I previously said. But there is another reason. They (you) don't want it bad enough. Eric Thomas did a video years ago about the Guru who held the guy under water as the guy was fighting to breathe. He said that the Guru told the guy that when you want to be successful as much as you wanted to breathe then you will be successful. The same is true with any change. You have to want it. I told someone that the overwhelming majority of people who are successful wake up early. They told me that waking up early is not their thing. They were focused on their comfort. Change was not an emergency. If there was a fire in your house at 4am you would be awake, alert and busy. You would be trying to figure out either how to get out of the house or how to put the fire out, but you would be up. The reason you won't do what it takes to go to the next level, whatever that is for you, if because there is no emergency. You are not changing, doing something different, making the most out of these first 5 days because you don't have to. You need to have an emergency mindset, or stop saying you are going to make this year different.

What are some goals you would like to accomplish in 2017? I'd love to hear from you. Share your goals below. And as always, SHARE :)

Healing from the Outside In

(Disclaimer: This post assumes emotional wellness. Inappropriate levels of self-esteem and boundaries negates most of this.)

When we are injured we tend to focus on ourselves...our pain, our needs, our rights. But what we don't know is that this is actually counterproductive. When we focus on what we are not getting in the marriage and we protest in order to get it, we actually end up perpetuating our brokenness. That means that in an attempt to take care of myself and get my needs met I prevent the process of healing from happening. We are "healthy" or move towards wholeness when we are giving outwardly of ourselves, making a difference, big or small, in someone else's life. Pride keeps us turned inward, focusing on self. You've heard me say before that Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. You cannot love your spouse while focused on yourself.

So then instead of being overly focused on your own needs and wants and complaining about what your spouse is not doing, if you want to move towards wholeness, you must learn to give outwardly. You must learn to love when when you want to protest and complain. That means loving them more in order to heal you. Otherwise, you end up walking in pride which is THE silent assassin of marriage and relationships. Love and pride cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Just as light and darkness cannot exist in the same place at the same time. When I talk about "wholeness" and healing I am referring to the deeper issue that is being triggered by your spouse but actually has its root in your past. Therapy can help you with this whole process.

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A Deeper Explanation
I was sharing this whole concept with someone and they responded this way: I understand what you are saying but all I have been doing is trying to love her and met her needs. I feel like she won't ever get better because of her own issues and self worth. I feel stuck and I am tired. This is pointless.

This husband was doing what he's supposed to do which was loving his wife even when it's hard, with the hope that she will begin to love him the same way. This husband is a Christian. This was my response:

Unfortunately that is the difficult part of being married to a human AND being Christian. We can "give" as long as we see, feel or believe that our efforts are working, and maybe even a little while after our "vision" or belief has stopped. But it won't be long before lose hope and turn our eyes back towards ourself and say, "I can't do this. This isn't working. This is pointless. Things will never change." When hopelessness shows up it erodes the boundaries that have been holding back destruction.

I then told him:

"You do have needs. You too are broken. But your giving is what brings you closer to wholeness. She may not know this yet. She needs to give. But you did not know it either until I just shared it with you. She is busy trying to receive. You are frustrated because you are focused on receiving again. That is "being human," yes. But as Christians we have a higher calling. The key to operating at that higher level is to be completely IN Christ. Otherwise, you will do it based on what you have and when it is gone then your alarms go off and say, 'Hey buddy, the love you need you aren't getting from her.' From there you have NO choice but to be frustrated, which perpetuates your brokenness because we don't become whole by focusing on ourself. Trust me I know it's not easy. It's not easy for me. But if it were easy then divorce would be extinct."

I hope this was helpful for you. As always, I'd love to know your thoughts. Be encouraged.

Married to a Bad Idea

Everyone has an "idea" of what a husband and a wife should be. Most of this idea that we have is buried in our subconscious, however it is very involved in how we function in our relationships. For example, if someone asked you "what do you want in a wife/husband," you would be able to give them a list based on what you can think of at the time. However, there are many things that you do not list because your subconscious idea of a spouse has convinced you that those things are basic and everyone has those qualities or traits. Let me be clear in saying that you are not aware that you are assuming these things are constants in every potential mate. When someone meets the criteria of your list, you automatically assume that everything else is in there as well.

Let me try to make it a little more clear. When you walk to your car from the grocery store and you see a man in a suit, your subconscious mind is constantly making all kinds of assumptions that you have no knowledge of and you simply operate based on those assumptions. You don't run from the man because you assume he is not a serial killer. Or perhaps what would be more accurate is to say that he has not done anything to make you turn off your automatic assumption that he is not a serial killer. If you find out he is a serial killer you are shocked. In contrast, you are not shocked if the man simply smiles at you and speaks. This is called "being human." All of us do it. If our subconscious did not make certain assumptions all of the time then we would not be able to function.

Now, back to the "idea" of a spouse. We almost always marry the idea of our spouse instead of who they actually are. This is why conflict arises because we are thinking "that's not how MY husband behaves." Of course you may not say that literally, but your frustration with your husband says it. He did not pick up his clothes on the floor. In your idea of a husband, not cleaning up after himself was not in there. But instead of saying, "oh he's not the kind of person to clean up the way I do and that is ok," you become upset that he is not doing what you want him to do, and you want this based on your "idea" of a husband. If they do not fit into our idea that was created before they ever showed up then we cannot give them the label of a "good husband/wife."

The reason I have a job is because people stay married to their idea of who their spouse should be instead of letting them be who they really are and then being ok with that. Perhaps in our fallen nature it is not possible to completely accept someone so different from us. However, this only means that we should never stop growing to the place where can accept our mate for who they are and not be upset because they are not who we want them to be. It is "normal" to have an idea of the kind of spouse we want, however the idea is completely, 100% self-centered. The idea is based on what we want and need only, which is why we have a hard time letting it go. Letting go of the idea means letting go of the dream of having a spouse that will "do that" or "be that." "I don't want to give up the dream of my husband greeting me with flowers once a week. I don't want to give up the dream of my wife laughing at my jokes." We have convinced ourselves that what we want is what we should have and we have committed to not settling for less. So why did we marry who we married? Because we assumed that they were EVERYTHING our idea said they would be.

So, perhaps we should work on divorcing our idea of a spouse so that we can be happily married to our actual spouse.

5 Reasons You Should Try Marriage Counseling

Marriage is crazy. It is probably one of the greatest paradoxes of all time. Only in marriage can two opposites be true: Marriage can bring you the greatest joy, and it can cause you the greatest pain. Marriage can be the greatest dream you can have and yet it can also become the greatest nightmare. As a matter of fact, the paradox of the Human experience is that the thing that draws us to a person is the exact same thing that drives us away from them. Marriage is crazy. My wife doesn't like it when I say that but it is true. However, what is not true is that "crazy" means we can never truly be happy.

Even though you may feel like you have tried everything you know how to try and even though it may seem like you married the wrong person, there is hope. I have had some of the most difficult couples in my office and they were able to finally stop the crazy cycle, get off of the rollercoaster and learn to love. Husbands who felt like their wives never listened to their ideas and treated them like a child. Wives who felt like their husbands were clueless on what their emotional needs were and how to meet them. Couples who had no idea how to talk for more than 10 minutes without fighting, accusing, shutting down and building a wall. They were able to come back from the abyss and start to loving again through the process of marriage counseling.

It is true that usually by the time a couple decides to call me for marriage counseling they have already been flirting with the idea of divorce. Some have actually even decided that divorce was inevitable but want do therapy first so that they can say they tried everything. I became a therapist to make a difference and I believe in the process of therapy. Divorce does not have to be the answer to your heartache and frustration.

Before you decide to give up I want to share with you 5 reasons why marriage counseling is worth a try...

• The therapy room is a safe place. Often times couples just need a safe place to say what they have been feeling for months. It happens all the time where new discoveries are revealed in the therapy room that couples were afraid to say at home. Everyone knows that when you come to therapy then goal is honesty and so holding back is less of a problem. This openness allows the couple to be more transparent and transparency is the doorway to intimacy. Granted we may have to deal with some painful things on the way to intimacy but without transparency then intimacy is not possible.
  
  
• You don't know what you are doing. Most of us are not taught how to do relationships. We are taught our abc's and mathematics but we are not intentionally and directly taught how to do relationships. As children, men are taught to be tough, emotionless and providers. Parents don't teach men how to share their emotions, or how to communicate in a way that she feels loved and heard. Men are not taught to think like a woman and be sensitive to her needs. Women are not taught how to do relationships either but they at least grow up thinking about romance. We learn some derivative of these things throughout our experiences with each other but more than likely it will not prepare us for marriage. So the fact that you have been doing it wrong should be a good reason to get professional help to learn to do it the right way before giving up on it.
  
  
• Therapists are trained to see what you do not see and address what you are afraid to address. Often times while you are in the midst of your pain it is difficult to see a solution. Or, if you do see a solution it is only based on your limited understanding of your spouse, the opposite sex and the how things are supposed to be. You are not skilled at finding childhood connections to adult behaviors. Sometimes the issue is as small as listening differently. As a trained, unbiased 3rd party, you will have access to insight that you normally would not have if you tried working it out on your own.
  
  
• Real marriage is not like Hollywood. When people have false expectations in marriage it is almost always because of a over-romanticized Hollywood view of marriage. Couples often think "If he/she loved me then they would just know what I need/think/feel." Real marriage takes focus and commitment. You may have to explain yourself, repeat yourself or express your needs in a way that you may think is basic and common sense. When you have these kind of preconceived ideas about how marriage should be you are destined to enter troubled waters because marriage is not always going to go the way you want or expect. False expectations fuel most conflicts.
  
  
• Marriage counseling works! I know that I am biased in this opinion, however I also have experienced therapy personally and know this statement to be true. Of course "work" is subjective when it comes to marriage but there are very few situations in which therapy will not improve your marriage.

These are many other reasons and benefits to marriage counseling. No one gets married with divorce in mind. Therapy can help you have the marriage you signed up for. Hopefully this helps you if you have been on the fence about marriage counseling/therapy.

The Importance of Prayer in Your Marriage

Over the last few weeks I have been learning about the importance of prayer. At my church we are currently going thru the book titled The Circle Maker. It is a book about the power and importance of prayer. Not the prayer that most people are used to praying or the empty self-centered prayers that yield no harvest. I'm talking about life changing, expecting the impossible, fulfilling God's purpose type prayer. It's the kind of prayer that most people do pray, either because they don't believe God will show up like that in their lives or because they just don't believe that God of the bible still answers impossible prayers. I used to be one of those people. I admit that I have always believed that God could do anything and that he is a miracle worker, but I never really believed he would show up in my life in that kind of dramatic fashion. That is changing.

For Christians, there is no more powerful weapon that we have access to than prayer. Prayer has been minimized to catchy cliches and self-righteous proclamations, but that was never God's intent. Prayer is how we access the power of God. If you don't believe in the power of God or that you can have access to it then I probably have already lost you. However, if you are still reading then maybe this message was meant for you.

There is no relationship that requires more of us than marriage. Marriage is not easy. Let's face it, most people get married for the wrong reasons. When you realize that marriage is not what you thought it was and your needs are constantly being ignored and devalued, the natural progression is divorce court. But I want to submit to you (sorry, I think I got caught in my preaching voice..by submit I just mean suggest) that divorce may not be the option God wants you to choose. If you believe the God of the bible...if you believe he parted the Red Sea, If you believe he kept Daniel safe in a lion's den, if you believe he opened blinded eyes, healed the sick and raised Lazarus from the dead...if you believe in the omnipotent God, then you have to know that your marriage is not too hard for him. I am 100% sure Moses thought his situation was impossible, and it was until he prayed.

Prayer changes things. Answers may come immediate or the way you want, but they do come. He did not stop having "all power" after the transcription of Revelation. While you are trying to figure out why it is so hard and asking God to deliver you from this marriage, maybe this broken marriage is his doing and he is trying to get you to turn towards him so that he can make something great out of you. You may be asking yourself, what should I pray? Here are some things you can pray for your marriage:

1. Pray that He will help you love your spouse more and be more patient
2. Pray that God will heal childhood wounds that are affecting the marriage
3. Pray that God will teach you how to be the husband/wife he desires for you to be
4. Pray that God will help you see his will
5. Pray that all of your spouse's Godly dreams will come true.

Marriage is God's idea. Great marriages do not just happen, you have to work at it. Part of that work is constantly praying. There is an enemy of your marriage and it is not the lady across the street, Facebook or anything else you can see with your eyes. The enemy is invisible but he is very real and he has a plan for your marriage. If the enemy destroys the marriage then the family is in jeopardy. If the family is destroyed then society if weakened. When society is weakened our future of a better society is destitute. Be about the business of prayer in your marriage. Be encouraged.