What Are You Thinking?

Scenario: Husband comes home from a long trip and finds the house quiet and everyone asleep. He told his wife earlier in the day that he'd like something to eat when he gets home, as usual. He would normally call her when he is about 20 minutes away so that the food could be hot, but he has not gotten an answer. This particular day they had gotten into a small argument around lunch time. So he comes home, walks in the kitchen and he doesn't see any food. Angry, feeling neglected and unimportant he goes to the bedroom to find his wife sleep in the bed. Also in the bed is their 2 year old son who he does not like sleeping with them because he sleeps to bad and he is too old for that. Husband goes to fix himself a sandwich then goes to bed in the guest room, still angry. The next morning when his wife wakes up and tries to greet him with a kiss he is stand-offish and resistant.

The above scenario happens all the time in marriage. The content of the offenses may vary, but how they play out are very similar. Allow me to fill in some of the blanks that will hopefully shed more light on how you can improve your marriage almost instantly. You must always remember that you have a choice in what you believe. Because you have a choice in what you believe, most of the times you have more control over how you feel and how you react to things than you think. The husband in the above scenario took it personal that he did not have anything prepared to eat when he got home. He felt like he did not matter much and he felt like a failure because the argument earlier was about his failures. In order for him to take it personal and be offended, he had to make some decisions about what to believe. What if he would have believed that she fell asleep trying to put their son to sleep because he had a tooth ache and was cranky? Or what if he believed that she was trying to make sure their son was sleep when he got home so they could be intimate after he ate dinner, but she fell asleep as humans sometimes do? Had he believed either of these then he would not have been able to take the situation personal because what he chose to believe did not support the idea of "you did this to hurt me" or "this happened because you don't think I'm important enough."

Based on the fact that he was offended and upset, it is apparent that he chose to believe a more negative thought. Perhaps he chose to believe that his wife was thinking about herself and not him so it didn't matter to her if she was sleep when he got home. Or maybe he believed that his wife was still upset from earlier and since she always holds on to things too long he knows she will have an attitude in the morning. He could have possible even believed that she heard him pull up and jumped in the bed to act sleep so she would not have to deal with him. All of these thoughts could have ushered him into the emotional place where he was that night and the next morning.

The point I am making, and the most important thing that I hope you get is that you have a choice. You can choose to believe the best instead of the worst. What you believe directly affects how you feel because you cannot have positive feelings when you have negative thoughts, and you cannot have negative feelings when you have positive thoughts. Choosing to think positive prevents you from being emotionally overcharged and allows you the space to talk about what happened in a calm manner. Perhaps she did do it intentionally and was trying to be mean, but believing something more positive at least helps them to be able to talk about it. And even in talking about it, he still has a choice to believe the positive, i.e. "She was being intentionally mean, but it's not because she doesn't love me, nor because she doesn't want to be on my team anymore."

So from today forward, be about the business of choosing the more positive thoughts. Not so that you can live in a fairytale land of lies, but so that you can deal with your spouse in a more authentic way that is not clouded by emotional pains.

It Shouldn't Be This Hard! (Getting to Happily Ever After)

I get so many couples in my office who are discouraged and ready to give up and they have been married less than 2 years. This is because their expectation is that, "we should not be having this much difficulty in the beginning. It shouldn't be this hard!" Truth is, most people go into marriage thinking that the best days should be at the beginning and then it tapers off from there. On the contrary, marriage gets better as time passes, as you learn how to communicate better, how to speak each other's love language and how to trust God more.

People go into marriage with unrealistic expectations because we live in such a romanticized society and Hollywood has convinced us that Love is the greatest amusement park in life that we can experience. So when people start to realize that a lot of the rides at the amusement park are bumpy, hazardous or broken, they start to feel like they fell for the okie doke. So my goal is to educate newlyweds and soon-to-be-newlyweds on the process of getting to Happily Ever After.

The thing that fuels most of the conflict in new marriages is the reality that you have two very different people from different backgrounds and experiences who are trying to come together to be one unit without letting go of who they have been for the past 20-30 plus years. Everyone has ideas about marriage, family, finances, love, communication, sex, parenting, opposite sex friends, relatives, work, and the list goes on. The conflict happens when these ideas clash because people tend to want to hold on to their ideas and expect the other person to "bow down" to how they believe it should be. Oh of course no one would not admit that's what they want, but their attitude, frustration and agitation gives it away. How should a man treat a woman? How should he treat her when he is in a bad mood? When she is in a bad mood? When she is making more money? When she is unemployed? When she is pregnant? When she doesn't want to have sex? When she wants less sex, more romance? When she doesn't cook? When she does cook? And then, how does she treat and talk to him? The possible situations and responses are endless and they often vary widely between the two partners.

Getting past those first few years is not the easiest, but it is the only way to get to "happily ever after." See, we get stuck on the 'happily ever' but we never ask 'after what?'. After fights, arguments, hurts, disappointments and frustrations. It can actually be said this way, "you can have a marriage and live happily ever, after pride." If you've read any of my writings then you know that Pride is the single most deadliest poison to a marriage. In the beginning of most marriages pride is the dominating reality. Where pride lives, love cannot live. Where love lives is where pride dies. They cannot exist in the same place at the same time. But what does it look like in marriage? When his wife doesn't make him feel like a man, he has an attitude. When he doesn't help with the house work, she doesn't give him sex. He feels she should be #1 her children's lives and not their biological dad so he shows favor to his own children. She can't ever see herself thinking what he thinks or wanting what he wants so she determines that how she thinks and what she wants is "right." Pride.

Ultimately, the message I want you to get is that marriage is more like a house that appreciates in value over time as opposed to a car which depreciates in value over time. Being difficult in the beginning is not necessarily an indication that you made a mistake or that the marriage won't work. It may not feel like it, but how you start does not have to be how you end. It may seem unbearable today but it can get better. You may need me or another professional to help you get to happily ever after but it can be done. I named this site Learn to Love 101 for a reason. We have to learn how to love and learn how to build a great marriage because they do not just happen, you actually have to work at it with intentionality. I know you thought it would be like it is in the movies. But you can have a far greater love story than any movie could ever tell. You can have a thriving marriage, and live Happily Ever After.

Please Like, Comment and Share

Couple's Therapy: What to expect.

Usually by the time a couple calls me for therapy they have tried everything they know how to try and now this is a last ditch effort before divorce. However, what is interesting is that although they know things are in critical condition they typically expect a few sessions to fix all of their problems. Most couple's do not understand the process of therapy and the work involved in really saving their marriage and making it better.

When I see a couple in therapy we usually do not start actually working on the marriage until the 4th session. The first three session are for assessment so that I can understand how best to help them get back on track. Once we begin to work on the marriage we begin the process of peeling back the layers. Eight times out of ten, the thing that brought them into therapy is not the main or only issue they are dealing with.

We humans are complex creatures. Usually by the time we marry someone we are so twisted up in our own dysfunction that adding someone else's only makes it that much more complicated. No one shows up in therapy with only one bag. Everyone comes with multiple bags of "stuff," from childhood, from abuse, from abandonment, from religiosity, and the list goes on. Yet and still people want the therapist to wave a magic wand in 3 sessions and make everything ok. While not every client is the same, on average I will see a couple for about 10 sessions (sometimes more, sometimes less).

None of my clients have an unlimited supply of money and depending on where they are in their lives, therapy can be expensive. However, I would venture to say that the alternative (divorce, emotional wreckage, child support, sleepless nights, loneliness, starting over) is a lot more expensive. At the Center for Couples and Families, our fees are $110 per session. This is right around the average cost of therapy in Houston, Texas.

Why therapy? Well research has shown that couples who seek professional help typically have a better chance at avoiding divorce than couples who try to solve their problems on their own. Therapists, particularly LMFT's, are well trained at dealing with the issues that couple's face and we can help clients see things that they otherwise would not see. The reality is that most people were never taught how to be in relationships or how to be married. Being married is more than just saying "I do" and being in love. You have to know how to make the love last forever. That's not a skill that comes automatically as you get older no matter how many relationships you have been in. A therapist can help couple's communicate at a level beyond the surface where hurts and frustrations exist. 

When should you see a therapist? As I said earlier, most couple's wait until the point right before divorce. While this may not be too late, the sooner you get help the better. It's like the difference between fixing a tire soon as it goes flat or driving on it a while until you can't go anymore. The longer you wait, the more damage you do and perhaps the more expensive the repair. If you are thinking about therapy you should go ahead and try it. It may be the wisest choice you ever make for your marriage and family.

Love is Enough

I was asked if Love is enough to sustain a thriving marriage. My short answer is yes. But there was a time when I believed that Love was not enough. I was of the mindset that Love is very important but that it takes more than love to make a marriage work and definitely to make it thrive. In hindsight I realize, like a lot of other people, I was wrong. My previous belief that Love is not enough was really based on "being in love" instead of Loving someone. 

When we say we are "in love" we are talking about an emotional high that makes us feel more alive...to feel human. To love is very human and to be in love is probably one of the greatest feelings we can experience. But "feeling" love is different than "doing" love. Doing love is the act of Loving and it is not based on a feeling at all. Genuine Love is a choice and action, not a feeling. Without getting too technical, Loving can elicit wonderful feelings, but it is not rooted in or sustained by feelings. So when I previously believed that Love was not enough, my understanding of Love was about feelings and we all know that feelings change.

What then is this kind of Love that is sufficient and how do we walk in it? How can we turn marriages around simply by learning to Love? I believe the answer is found in the Christian Bible. Don't tune me out just let, this is not a bible lesson. I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about Love and the bible describes what Love is and what it looks like unlike any other book. Even if you are not a Christian, this way of defining Love will revolutionize your marriage/relationship.

The Bible is full of "Love examples" from front to back, however I only want to highlight a few of the passages that show the essence of what Love is. But before I get into what the bible says, let me just tell you that Love is not about you. Love is about the person you are loving. One of the biggest hinderances to Love is pride. Pride and Love cannot coexist at the same time because pride hinders the free flow of Love. A working definition for pride is "a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed inbearing, behavior, etc." When we walk in pride we cannot focus on Loving (which all about the other person) because we are focused on ourselves...our needs, our wants, our hurts, our frustrations, our happiness, etc. So I can tell you upfront that some of you reading this will not agree because you are too engulfed in pride that you can't see how Loving this way is even possible or necessary.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it gives us a partial picture of what Love looks like. It says:

• Love is Patient
• Love is Kind
• Love does not Envy or Boast
• Love is not selfish
• Love is not easily angered
• Love keeps no record of wrongs
• Love does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth
• Love bears ALL things
• Love believes ALL things
• Love hopes ALL things
• Love endures ALL things
• Love NEVER fails.

I could go though each one of these and talk about how they show up in marriage but that would make this into a book! However, If we would just follow this partial list of how to Love then the divorce rate would drop immensely. The problem is that to love this way is not natural and it is not automatic. We are used to Loving based on what we get from the other person. "I love you if you love me...I do for you if you do for me...I'll be kind to you if you are kind to me...I won't act selfish if you won't act selfish." All it takes is for one of you to make up your mind to truly Love and the marriage will change. You are a part of a system (marriage) where the parts are interconnected so if you change one part (you) then the whole system changes. But to give you an even clearer picture of what Love looks like, there is another passage I want to talk about.

It was the night Jesus was to be arrested and he was with his 12 disciples in a room eating what has been historically called "the last supper." In the book of John it is recorded that as they were sitting at the table, Jesus got up, wrapped a towel around his waist, put water in a basin and began to wash his disciples feet. Feet washing was the task of lowly servants. But Jesus, who was at the very least THEIR leader whether you believe He is the Son of God or not, lowered himself to servant status and washed their feet. When I was studying this in context I noticed what did NOT happen. Jesus did NOT skip over Judas, who he knew would betray him in just a few hours, and he did not skip over Peter who he had a close relationship with but would deny Jesus at a time when He could have used a true friend. Jesus' love/service was not limited to those who deserved it. When He finished He told them that he was setting an example on how to love one another. So the picture of Love that 1 Corinthians talks about and the kind of Love that is enough to sustain a thriving marriage looks like SERVICE.

But what does that really look like in your marriage? The unavoidable truth about the human experience is that we are going to mess up. We are going hurt each other and let each other down. But when you Love genuinely you forgive and you keep loving. You are more understanding because you are more patient and kind. You are less frustrated because you are not overly concerned about your own needs. When you hurt your partner you will go to them and reconcile without them asking. Your communication will change because you are no longer communicating on a level of hurt, but you are trying to understand how can you love more deeply.

Now, I'm not an unrealistic person. I understand that loving at this level is hard and most people don't love this way. Mostly that is because it is scary. Life has taught us that we can't trust people to do right and we need to protect and take care of ourselves. Yes, to love this way it takes a level of vulnerability that most people are too afraid to try. But the unfortunate alternative is to be in relationship that is unfulfilling and seemingly time wasting because we never feel "full." We are designed to Love. We need it. We need to be cared for just because we are human and not because of anything we do to deserve it. When you start working to earn Love, or making others work to earn love then it stops being Love. And I understand that it can be painful trying to Love genuinely while the other person is not interested in Loving that way. I apologize for not having any irrefutable evidence but I wholeheartedly believe that if you Love this way then it is impossible for the other person to stay the same. Vulnerability begats vulnerability, meaning you being vulnerable enough to Love genuinely will make it safe for your partner to do the same because at the end of the day the only reason we do not love this way is fear.

I apologize, I really was hoping this would be a lot shorter. I did not want to take up a lot of your time, but I did want to make sure I was clear. Your life/marriage/happiness depends on it. The way you love will affect how you communicate, the way you handle your finances, the way you make love, the way you plan your vacations, the way you talk, what you post online, the way you see the world. I know some will read this and continue to be the way they have always been because it is familiar, comfortable and safe. But I hope that you will be the one to take a chance and Love genuinely. I mean, you've tried everything else...why not try Love?

As always, feel free to leave a comment, share this blog and tell a friend. If you are in need of marriage counseling just email me at clifton@learntolove101.com. 

Building a Thriving Marriage

I went looking at model homes today. These homes were absolutely gorgeous! The whole neighborhood was filled with beautiful homes. I begin to think "I'd like a home that looks like this one day." There were also some homes in the neighborhood that were not complete yet. Some had the frame walls with no sheetrock. Some had sheetrock but no brick. And then for some of the homes only the foundation had been poured but nothing else. It got me to thinking about the building process. The foundation of the house had to be laid first so that the house could be stable and sturdy. The foundation is not the most beautiful part of the house, but it is the most crucial because without it then the "beauty" has nothing to stand on. Nobody drives by a foundation and say, "That foundation is beautiful, I want one like that." It is the finished product that we desire.

Often times we see beautiful marriages and we treat them like the homes in a new neighborhood. We see all of the outward beauty and we say, "I want a marriage like that one day!" (Sadly, even married people look at other marriages wishing they had what another marriage has). But we see these beautiful marriages we never think about what it took to make it beautiful. I've said many times that great marriages don't just happen, you have to work at it. Part of that work is building a strong foundation on which the marriage can stand. We all want great marriages but very few people actually put in the work on the front end to have the marriage they believed they were getting into when they said "I do." While many factors play a part in the continuous success of marriage, nothing is more crucial than the foundation.

There are 3 main ingredients that make up the foundation of marriages that thrive...Forgiveness, Communication and Conflict Resolution. Without these three your marriage will never be as beautiful as marriage was meant to be. You may be asking why did I not include Love in the foundation. That is because Love and Marriage go together like a horse and carriage. (I hope you are laughing...that was funny to me). Ok sorry, back to being serious...Love in the Marriage is a constant. Marriage is the house in which love resides but it is the foundation that makes the free flow of love possible. So love is not a part of the foundation, Love is the occupant of the marriage house. So let's talk about these 3 crucial elements that make of the foundation of a strong marriage.

Forgiveness
There is no way to successfully be in ANY relationship with another Earthling and not be a forgiver. Forgiveness is the key to emotional wholeness. Moreover, without forgiveness there can be no growth because unforgiveness hinders intimacy. You cannot avoid hurting and disappointing each other. Forgiveness allows for intimacy to continue to flow. One of the misconceptions about forgiving someone is that it let's them off the hook. No, it let's YOU off the hook. Forgiving your spouse allows you to move past it and makes ready the heart for reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean, "You hurt me and it is ok." Not at all. It just means you refuse to hold on to whatever the issue is because it will eventually turn into bitterness and resentment. These are marriage killers.

Communication
We all have heard how important communication is, but we still have a difficult time doing it effectively in marriage. The biggest hinderance to effective communication in marriage is our own insecurities and brokenness. We bring into the marriage baggage that does not get unpacked until AFTER we say "I do" and it causes major problems. This is probably the most common issue I see in therapy and what I address the most. Teaching couples how to communicate their genuine, softer feelings is the goal of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). What happens is that we have sore spots that our spouses are not aware of, and sometimes we are not aware of them ourselves, and when they touch them we respond in a way that is counterproductive to intimacy. We end up in a negative cycle of communication that is easily triggered by one word, one look, one sigh, one silent response. You must make effective communication your priority.

Conflict-Resolution
In case you haven't noticed, all three of these are intertwined and they overlap. If you cannot effectively resolve conflict then you will not have a thriving marriage. Resolving conflict does not mean you stop arguing but the issue is never addressed. Forgiveness and communication are all a part of the conflict resolution process. You have to be diligent about addressing things that are causing major issues because unresolved conflict will begin to erode your marital bond. Again, intimacy cannot flow freely when conflict goes unresolved.

In closing let me say that all frustration is birthed out of unmet expectations. Often times expectations go unmet because they are unshared and yet they are still expected. These 3 elements of the marital foundation will address this problem. So the next time you are "browsing" marriages and you come across one you like, remember that you can have one too if you build it on this foundation. And I know someone is wondering where does God fit in. God is the adhesive agent that binds these three crucial elements together so that you can build a marriage where love can reside and flow freely. Without God the foundation will never pass inspection. Now, go build a thriving marriage!

Teaching Men to Love

One of the things that I see over and over in my male clients is their lack of understanding of how relationships work and what love really is. I see it women also, but more so with men. Women, from the time they are girls, are kind of groomed for relationships...or at least it used to be that way. Men, however, are groomed to be tough, to be providers and even protectors but education about how to be successful at relating to women is not directly taught. I believe it should be because relationships are the essence of life. Relationships are the most important thing and yet we leave it to chance and the media to teach men how to be relational.

Most men go through life trying to figure out relationships via trial and error. Being a "good man" does not equate to relational IQ. Men are typically not taught how to share their softer emotions so their needs often go unmet because they are incorrectly expressed through anger or not expressed at all. We all know that just because a need goes unexpressed does not mean that the need goes away. With marriages and families being in such a deplorable state, men have no good models on which to base their idea of marriage and manhood. So they either try to do something completely opposite of the dysfunction they grew up in, making it up as they go or they repeat the dysfunction they saw, continuing the pathological pattern of broken marriages and families. Again, women do grow up in these dysfunctional homes as well and are susceptible to some of the same dangers, however I believe the damage done to men is more critical because it is harder to correct.

So what do we do? We must Learn to Love. That is actually the basic principle of this site. (Love is a wide umbrella that I am using to describe every aspect of what it takes to be successful at relationships). When I see couples it does not take long to notice that they simply do not know how to do what they have committed themselves to do. What is usually also apparent fairly quickly is the man's counter-productive relational mindset. So I spend time with the men unpacking all of the baggage they've been carrying, usually from childhood and I introduce useful tools and knowledge that will change the direction of the relationship. When the man is on track then it is easier to get the woman on track. Yes, I am a traditionalist in that I believe the man is the head of the household. But most men have little to no idea of how to lead a wife or family. My goal is to restore the structure that the originator of marriage (God) intended and that restoration has to start with the man.

Money Matters...

Who should handle the money when you get married? How many bank accounts should you have? Who will determine how the money is spent? These are common questions that come up in marriage but are never actually addressed directly. Most of the time couples operate on assumptions and it is not until conflict arises that they learn they think very differently about money. Money is one of the main reasons for divorce in America. Each couple and situation is different, but here are some tips that I believe will help you on your journey of oneness in marriage.

• First and foremost, there is no more "mines and yours." It is all OURS. You are now one flesh (meaning one in purpose). It does not matter who makes the most money. If you do not implement this mindset from the beginning you are setting yourself up for major problems down the road.
   
• The person who is most responsible with money should be the one who handles the bills. Usually one mate is better at it than the other. If both are equally good then just choose someone. It is better to have one person handle the bills as opposed to both of you because it keeps down confusion about who pays what and when.
   
• Start an emergency fund. Initially start it with a $1000. This is money that should ONLY be used for emergencies. This concept is from Dave Ramsay's Financial Peace program. I strongly recommend finding a class and going thru the program. The best way to become and stay debt free.
   
• Do not make big purchases without your spouse's knowledge and approval.
  
• You should have at least two joint bank accounts. One account will be strictly for bills and the other account will be for everything else. If you choose to have more accounts just make sure you both have access to them. You don't want anything to create division between you.

Ultimately you must be wise about your money. It is just a tool, but when mishandled it can become a great wedge between the two of you. More money tips coming soon...

How Will He Know?

It can be frustrating to be penalized for things that you did not know you were in violation of. But unfortunately this is very common in relationships. Although it can go both ways, I want to specifically address the women and how they communicate with their man.

Ladies if he loves you then he wants to meet your needs. I'm not talking about the big stuff. I'm talking about the little things that YOU assume are common sense. And when I say "need" I don't literally mean need but more of what you would like. For example, if you want him to wash the driveway once a month then you should tell him instead of assuming he should know because "that's what men are supposed to do." Your definition of "what men do" was not formed based on him. No, your definition was formed long before he ever showed up. So he may not know you want a particular thing. But if he loves you he WANTS to do for you what you want/need done. Solving problems is what we (men) do. BUT (notice the all caps) just because you told him once doesn't mean that at some point you won't have to tell him again. Maybe he didn't stop doing it because he doesn't care...maybe he simply slacked off and needs a reminder of how important that thing is to you. If you need more hugs, let him know. If you need more alone time, let him know. Learn to share more than you assume. It may be an easier fix than you think.

Conflict Resolution 101

No matter how in love you may feel you are, no matter how close you may think you are, and no matter how great you think your relationship is, the true test of whether or not you have a quality relationship is what the relationship looks like after conflict. No relationship is validated until there is conflict. If you have never had a conflict then you do not have a relationship. Conflict is the testing waters and most relationships drown in the midst of the waters.

In order to be successful in any relationship you MUST know how to resolve conflict because conflict is inevitable and necessary. It is necessary because without it there can be no growth. Conflict is the fertilizer of your relationship. (But too much fertilizer can be bad so keep that in mind.) When there is conflict you must understand that what actually happened takes a back seat to what the two of you thinks happened. So what are the key concepts in resolving conflict effectively? I'm glad you asked...

The first thing you must do is acknowledge that there is a problem. Too often people ignore problems until its too late. Problems rarely solve themselves. Just because you are no longer angry about it does not mean the issue has been dealt with. When you brush over conflict as if it is not there, you open the door for what I call "unconscious resentment." After while you find that every little thing the other person does annoys you and you don't even know why. You have allowed resentment to set in because of something he did last year. The bible says when you have an issue with your brother then you go to them...you don't have to wait until they come to you.

If you are going to resolve conflict, you must understand that effective communication is most important. If you do not communicate effectively then there is no way that conflict resolution can take place. Simply communicating is not enough...it must be EFFECTIVE. That means that it has to be done in a way that is respectable, clear (as possible) and with the intent of resolving the conflict, not hurting the other person. When your partner tells you how they feel, listen and accept it, whether you believe they should feel that way or not. If they feel like you disrespected them, whether you think you did or not is irrelevant. You must first acknowledge how they feel before you can explain what your thought process was when you did what you did. Never make your partner feel like their feelings don't matter.

One of the most difficult things people seem to be able to do is apologize. You must be willing to apologize if restoration is going to take place. The initial apology should come immediately after they tell you how you made them feel. You don't necessarily have to apologize for what you did, but you should apologize for the way you made them feel. This will soften their heart and further open the door for effective communication. When you apologize you are not admitting you were wrong. What you are doing is validating their feelings. You are saying "I understand I hurt you." This is not where right and wrong is established. Both of you should be apologizing here. If you start blaming and pointing fingers then conflict resolution is hindered. Be sincere in your apology. If you are not genuinely sorry that the other person is hurt then maybe you should rethink being in the relationship altogether. I recently had a conflict with a friend and when I told them how I felt, because they thought I was wrong they basically told me they did not care how I felt and didn't care why I did what I did. That is not the way to get back to restoration, IF restoration is your goal.

While in the process of working things out you must remember to stay calm. Effective communication is less likely to take place if you are not calm. When your emotions are running high you are not thinking clearly. Be careful not to say something that you can't take back. Words do cut, and when you are angry or excited you may say something that you do not mean. Its a defense mechanism built into your emotions to protect your heart. If you feel yourself getting upset again, stop and take a breath...walk away if you have to, but come back so that you can finish talking.

If you are truly committed to resolving conflict then you must be patient. You must be willing to talk about it as long as it takes. Sometimes it may seem like this is never going go away..."he's never gonna understand how I feel, she's never gonna see my point." How important is your relationship? Understand that the time you put into dealing with the issue will reap a greater harvest in your relationship. Take the time to make things right. If you need to put it on pause and pick it up tomorrow then do that, but do not let it just linger on without any resolution.

Another difficult part of resolving conflict is change. Most people do not want to change even when they believe it is what they should do. You must be willing to change whatever needs to be changed for the betterment of the relationship. That does not mean you have to be willing to lose your identity. You are who you are...but your habits can be changed.

Everything that you do to resolve conflict can be voided if you do not forgive. You must, MUST forgive. Pretending that everything is ok without truly forgiving is emotionally deadly. Forgiveness should be a normal practice when dealing with humans in general. It is even more important when you are at odds with someone you care about. Forgiveness does not mean that you forget necessarily. What it means is that you no longer hold that offense against the person and the pain that was connected to it is gone. It is like a wound that has transitioned from a scab to a scar. You remember what happened, but it doesn't hurt. YOU MUST FORGIVE!!!

Once the conflict has been resolved, intimacy should immediately follow. If you are married, sex is a great way to make up. But sex is not the only thing you can do for intimacy. Meet for lunch, take a drive, have a quiet night without the kids...whatever it is, you need to spend some quality time together. Its like picking the dead leaves off a plant and then nurturing it to be better than it was. This is the nurturing part and it is crucial.

I hope this helps you have better relationships. My desire is for you to grow in love and wisdom. See conflict as an opportunity for growth, not destruction. All we have is each other.