Couple's Therapy: What to expect.

Usually by the time a couple calls me for therapy they have tried everything they know how to try and now this is a last ditch effort before divorce. However, what is interesting is that although they know things are in critical condition they typically expect a few sessions to fix all of their problems. Most couple's do not understand the process of therapy and the work involved in really saving their marriage and making it better.

When I see a couple in therapy we usually do not start actually working on the marriage until the 4th session. The first three session are for assessment so that I can understand how best to help them get back on track. Once we begin to work on the marriage we begin the process of peeling back the layers. Eight times out of ten, the thing that brought them into therapy is not the main or only issue they are dealing with.

We humans are complex creatures. Usually by the time we marry someone we are so twisted up in our own dysfunction that adding someone else's only makes it that much more complicated. No one shows up in therapy with only one bag. Everyone comes with multiple bags of "stuff," from childhood, from abuse, from abandonment, from religiosity, and the list goes on. Yet and still people want the therapist to wave a magic wand in 3 sessions and make everything ok. While not every client is the same, on average I will see a couple for about 10 sessions (sometimes more, sometimes less).

None of my clients have an unlimited supply of money and depending on where they are in their lives, therapy can be expensive. However, I would venture to say that the alternative (divorce, emotional wreckage, child support, sleepless nights, loneliness, starting over) is a lot more expensive. At the Center for Couples and Families, our fees are $110 per session. This is right around the average cost of therapy in Houston, Texas.

Why therapy? Well research has shown that couples who seek professional help typically have a better chance at avoiding divorce than couples who try to solve their problems on their own. Therapists, particularly LMFT's, are well trained at dealing with the issues that couple's face and we can help clients see things that they otherwise would not see. The reality is that most people were never taught how to be in relationships or how to be married. Being married is more than just saying "I do" and being in love. You have to know how to make the love last forever. That's not a skill that comes automatically as you get older no matter how many relationships you have been in. A therapist can help couple's communicate at a level beyond the surface where hurts and frustrations exist. 

When should you see a therapist? As I said earlier, most couple's wait until the point right before divorce. While this may not be too late, the sooner you get help the better. It's like the difference between fixing a tire soon as it goes flat or driving on it a while until you can't go anymore. The longer you wait, the more damage you do and perhaps the more expensive the repair. If you are thinking about therapy you should go ahead and try it. It may be the wisest choice you ever make for your marriage and family.