I get so many couples in my office who are discouraged and ready to give up and they have been married less than 2 years. This is because their expectation is that, "we should not be having this much difficulty in the beginning. It shouldn't be this hard!" Truth is, most people go into marriage thinking that the best days should be at the beginning and then it tapers off from there. On the contrary, marriage gets better as time passes, as you learn how to communicate better, how to speak each other's love language and how to trust God more.
People go into marriage with unrealistic expectations because we live in such a romanticized society and Hollywood has convinced us that Love is the greatest amusement park in life that we can experience. So when people start to realize that a lot of the rides at the amusement park are bumpy, hazardous or broken, they start to feel like they fell for the okie doke. So my goal is to educate newlyweds and soon-to-be-newlyweds on the process of getting to Happily Ever After.
The thing that fuels most of the conflict in new marriages is the reality that you have two very different people from different backgrounds and experiences who are trying to come together to be one unit without letting go of who they have been for the past 20-30 plus years. Everyone has ideas about marriage, family, finances, love, communication, sex, parenting, opposite sex friends, relatives, work, and the list goes on. The conflict happens when these ideas clash because people tend to want to hold on to their ideas and expect the other person to "bow down" to how they believe it should be. Oh of course no one would not admit that's what they want, but their attitude, frustration and agitation gives it away. How should a man treat a woman? How should he treat her when he is in a bad mood? When she is in a bad mood? When she is making more money? When she is unemployed? When she is pregnant? When she doesn't want to have sex? When she wants less sex, more romance? When she doesn't cook? When she does cook? And then, how does she treat and talk to him? The possible situations and responses are endless and they often vary widely between the two partners.
Getting past those first few years is not the easiest, but it is the only way to get to "happily ever after." See, we get stuck on the 'happily ever' but we never ask 'after what?'. After fights, arguments, hurts, disappointments and frustrations. It can actually be said this way, "you can have a marriage and live happily ever, after pride." If you've read any of my writings then you know that Pride is the single most deadliest poison to a marriage. In the beginning of most marriages pride is the dominating reality. Where pride lives, love cannot live. Where love lives is where pride dies. They cannot exist in the same place at the same time. But what does it look like in marriage? When his wife doesn't make him feel like a man, he has an attitude. When he doesn't help with the house work, she doesn't give him sex. He feels she should be #1 her children's lives and not their biological dad so he shows favor to his own children. She can't ever see herself thinking what he thinks or wanting what he wants so she determines that how she thinks and what she wants is "right." Pride.
Ultimately, the message I want you to get is that marriage is more like a house that appreciates in value over time as opposed to a car which depreciates in value over time. Being difficult in the beginning is not necessarily an indication that you made a mistake or that the marriage won't work. It may not feel like it, but how you start does not have to be how you end. It may seem unbearable today but it can get better. You may need me or another professional to help you get to happily ever after but it can be done. I named this site Learn to Love 101 for a reason. We have to learn how to love and learn how to build a great marriage because they do not just happen, you actually have to work at it with intentionality. I know you thought it would be like it is in the movies. But you can have a far greater love story than any movie could ever tell. You can have a thriving marriage, and live Happily Ever After.
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