I was asked if Love is enough to sustain a thriving marriage. My short answer is yes. But there was a time when I believed that Love was not enough. I was of the mindset that Love is very important but that it takes more than love to make a marriage work and definitely to make it thrive. In hindsight I realize, like a lot of other people, I was wrong. My previous belief that Love is not enough was really based on "being in love" instead of Loving someone.

When we say we are "in love" we are talking about an emotional high that makes us feel more alive...to feel human. To love is very human and to be in love is probably one of the greatest feelings we can experience. But "feeling" love is different than "doing" love. Doing love is the act of Loving and it is not based on a feeling at all. Genuine Love is a choice and action, not a feeling. Without getting too technical, Loving can elicit wonderful feelings, but it is not rooted in or sustained by feelings. So when I previously believed that Love was not enough, my understanding of Love was about feelings and we all know that feelings change.

What then is this kind of Love that is sufficient and how do we walk in it? How can we turn marriages around simply by learning to Love? I believe the answer is found in the Christian Bible. Don't tune me out just let, this is not a bible lesson. I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about Love and the bible describes what Love is and what it looks like unlike any other book. Even if you are not a Christian, this way of defining Love will revolutionize your marriage/relationship.

The Bible is full of "Love examples" from front to back, however I only want to highlight a few of the passages that show the essence of what Love is. But before I get into what the bible says, let me just tell you that Love is not about you. Love is about the person you are loving. One of the biggest hinderances to Love is pride. Pride and Love cannot coexist at the same time because pride hinders the free flow of Love. A working definition for pride is "a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed inbearing, behavior, etc." When we walk in pride we cannot focus on Loving (which all about the other person) because we are focused on ourselves...our needs, our wants, our hurts, our frustrations, our happiness, etc. So I can tell you upfront that some of you reading this will not agree because you are too engulfed in pride that you can't see how Loving this way is even possible or necessary.

In 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 it gives us a partial picture of what Love looks like. It says:

Love is Patient
Love is Kind
Love does not Envy or Boast
Love is not selfish
Love is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not rejoice at injustice but rejoices with the truth
Love bears ALL things
Love believes ALL things
Love hopes ALL things
Love endures ALL things
Love NEVER fails.

I could go though each one of these and talk about how they show up in marriage but that would make this into a book! However, If we would just follow this partial list of how to Love then the divorce rate would drop immensely. The problem is that to love this way is not natural and it is not automatic. We are used to Loving based on what we get from the other person. "I love you if you love me...I do for you if you do for me...I'll be kind to you if you are kind to me...I won't act selfish if you won't act selfish." All it takes is for one of you to make up your mind to truly Love and the marriage will change. You are a part of a system (marriage) where the parts are interconnected so if you change one part (you) then the whole system changes. But to give you an even clearer picture of what Love looks like, there is another passage I want to talk about.

It was the night Jesus was to be arrested and he was with his 12 disciples in a room eating what has been historically called "the last supper." In the book of John it is recorded that as they were sitting at the table, Jesus got up, wrapped a towel around his waist, put water in a basin and began to wash his disciples feet. Feet washing was the task of lowly servants. But Jesus, who was at the very least THEIR leader whether you believe He is the Son of God or not, lowered himself to servant status and washed their feet. When I was studying this in context I noticed what did NOT happen. Jesus did NOT skip over Judas, who he knew would betray him in just a few hours, and he did not skip over Peter who he had a close relationship with but would deny Jesus at a time when He could have used a true friend. Jesus' love/service was not limited to those who deserved it. When He finished He told them that he was setting an example on how to love one another. So the picture of Love that 1 Corinthians talks about and the kind of Love that is enough to sustain a thriving marriage looks like SERVICE.

But what does that really look like in your marriage? The unavoidable truth about the human experience is that we are going to mess up. We are going hurt each other and let each other down. But when you Love genuinely you forgive and you keep loving. You are more understanding because you are more patient and kind. You are less frustrated because you are not overly concerned about your own needs. When you hurt your partner you will go to them and reconcile without them asking. Your communication will change because you are no longer communicating on a level of hurt, but you are trying to understand how can you love more deeply.

Now, I'm not an unrealistic person. I understand that loving at this level is hard and most people don't love this way. Mostly that is because it is scary. Life has taught us that we can't trust people to do right and we need to protect and take care of ourselves. Yes, to love this way it takes a level of vulnerability that most people are too afraid to try. But the unfortunate alternative is to be in relationship that is unfulfilling and seemingly time wasting because we never feel "full." We are designed to Love. We need it. We need to be cared for just because we are human and not because of anything we do to deserve it. When you start working to earn Love, or making others work to earn love then it stops being Love. And I understand that it can be painful trying to Love genuinely while the other person is not interested in Loving that way. I apologize for not having any irrefutable evidence but I wholeheartedly believe that if you Love this way then it is impossible for the other person to stay the same. Vulnerability begats vulnerability, meaning you being vulnerable enough to Love genuinely will make it safe for your partner to do the same because at the end of the day the only reason we do not love this way is fear.

I apologize, I really was hoping this would be a lot shorter. I did not want to take up a lot of your time, but I did want to make sure I was clear. Your life/marriage/happiness depends on it. The way you love will affect how you communicate, the way you handle your finances, the way you make love, the way you plan your vacations, the way you talk, what you post online, the way you see the world. I know some will read this and continue to be the way they have always been because it is familiar, comfortable and safe. But I hope that you will be the one to take a chance and Love genuinely. I mean, you've tried everything else...why not try Love?

As always, feel free to leave a comment, share this blog and tell a friend. If you are in need of marriage counseling just email me at clifton@learntolove101.com.