No matter how in love you may feel you are, no matter how close you may think you are, and no matter how great you think your relationship is, the true test of whether or not you have a quality relationship is what the relationship looks like after conflict. No relationship is validated until there is conflict. If you have never had a conflict then you do not have a relationship. Conflict is the testing waters and most relationships drown in the midst of the waters.
In order to be successful in any relationship you MUST know how to resolve conflict because conflict is inevitable and necessary. It is necessary because without it there can be no growth. Conflict is the fertilizer of your relationship. (But too much fertilizer can be bad so keep that in mind.) When there is conflict you must understand that what actually happened takes a back seat to what the two of you thinks happened. So what are the key concepts in resolving conflict effectively? I'm glad you asked...
The first thing you must do is acknowledge that there is a problem. Too often people ignore problems until its too late. Problems rarely solve themselves. Just because you are no longer angry about it does not mean the issue has been dealt with. When you brush over conflict as if it is not there, you open the door for what I call "unconscious resentment." After while you find that every little thing the other person does annoys you and you don't even know why. You have allowed resentment to set in because of something he did last year. The bible says when you have an issue with your brother then you go to them...you don't have to wait until they come to you.
If you are going to resolve conflict, you must understand that effective communication is most important. If you do not communicate effectively then there is no way that conflict resolution can take place. Simply communicating is not enough...it must be EFFECTIVE. That means that it has to be done in a way that is respectable, clear (as possible) and with the intent of resolving the conflict, not hurting the other person. When your partner tells you how they feel, listen and accept it, whether you believe they should feel that way or not. If they feel like you disrespected them, whether you think you did or not is irrelevant. You must first acknowledge how they feel before you can explain what your thought process was when you did what you did. Never make your partner feel like their feelings don't matter.
One of the most difficult things people seem to be able to do is apologize. You must be willing to apologize if restoration is going to take place. The initial apology should come immediately after they tell you how you made them feel. You don't necessarily have to apologize for what you did, but you should apologize for the way you made them feel. This will soften their heart and further open the door for effective communication. When you apologize you are not admitting you were wrong. What you are doing is validating their feelings. You are saying "I understand I hurt you." This is not where right and wrong is established. Both of you should be apologizing here. If you start blaming and pointing fingers then conflict resolution is hindered. Be sincere in your apology. If you are not genuinely sorry that the other person is hurt then maybe you should rethink being in the relationship altogether. I recently had a conflict with a friend and when I told them how I felt, because they thought I was wrong they basically told me they did not care how I felt and didn't care why I did what I did. That is not the way to get back to restoration, IF restoration is your goal.
While in the process of working things out you must remember to stay calm. Effective communication is less likely to take place if you are not calm. When your emotions are running high you are not thinking clearly. Be careful not to say something that you can't take back. Words do cut, and when you are angry or excited you may say something that you do not mean. Its a defense mechanism built into your emotions to protect your heart. If you feel yourself getting upset again, stop and take a breath...walk away if you have to, but come back so that you can finish talking.
If you are truly committed to resolving conflict then you must be patient. You must be willing to talk about it as long as it takes. Sometimes it may seem like this is never going go away..."he's never gonna understand how I feel, she's never gonna see my point." How important is your relationship? Understand that the time you put into dealing with the issue will reap a greater harvest in your relationship. Take the time to make things right. If you need to put it on pause and pick it up tomorrow then do that, but do not let it just linger on without any resolution.
Another difficult part of resolving conflict is change. Most people do not want to change even when they believe it is what they should do. You must be willing to change whatever needs to be changed for the betterment of the relationship. That does not mean you have to be willing to lose your identity. You are who you are...but your habits can be changed.
Everything that you do to resolve conflict can be voided if you do not forgive. You must, MUST forgive. Pretending that everything is ok without truly forgiving is emotionally deadly. Forgiveness should be a normal practice when dealing with humans in general. It is even more important when you are at odds with someone you care about. Forgiveness does not mean that you forget necessarily. What it means is that you no longer hold that offense against the person and the pain that was connected to it is gone. It is like a wound that has transitioned from a scab to a scar. You remember what happened, but it doesn't hurt. YOU MUST FORGIVE!!!
Once the conflict has been resolved, intimacy should immediately follow. If you are married, sex is a great way to make up. But sex is not the only thing you can do for intimacy. Meet for lunch, take a drive, have a quiet night without the kids...whatever it is, you need to spend some quality time together. Its like picking the dead leaves off a plant and then nurturing it to be better than it was. This is the nurturing part and it is crucial.
I hope this helps you have better relationships. My desire is for you to grow in love and wisdom. See conflict as an opportunity for growth, not destruction. All we have is each other.