If you have ever had a home built then you know how exciting it can be to see the construction going up. You took the time to find a neighborhood, choose a plan, put down earnest money, choose your fixtures and upgrades and then they begin building you a home. As much time, energy, emotions and money that you put into your home, it would be tragic to have it destroyed because of termites. Termites are very small insects, but they cause a lot of damage. As a matter of fact, each year termites cause more than $5 Billion dollars of property damage. Five billion, with a B. And these are costs that are not typically covered by homeowners insurance. Tragic.
Silent Destroyers
Termites are known as the “silent destroyers” because of their ability to chew thru wood, flooring and even wall paper UNDETECTED. All of what you put into your home to make it great can be destroyed by termites. In my book subtitled, “How to build a great marriage,” I use the analogy of building a home. Just like you have to build your new home after you sign the contract, you have to build your new marriage after you sign the covenant. But just like there is a silent destroyer of homes, there is also a silent destroyer of marriage and it is called Pride. I call pride “relationship termites.”
No marriage can survive the onslaught of Pride. And just like termites, pride does most of its damage undetected because pride has the ability to disguise itself to look like righteousness. by the time you realize you are in pride, destruction has already begun. The greatest relationship book ever written even says, “Pride comes before destruction.” Pride (sometimes referred to as ego) is being focused on self. Pride is the polar opposite of love. Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. But pride IS about you. Pride focuses on my needs, my wants, my hurts, my desires…You cannot walk in love and in pride at the same time. You will do one or the other.
"You cannot walk in Love and Pride at the same time."
-Clifton Brantley, MA, LMFT
Pain Provides Access for Pride
When your mate hurts you, you are immediately in danger of being overcome with pride. Pain provides access to pride. Just think about when you bang your knee...where does your hand go? Your attention turns toward what is hurting. While this is a natural tendency, doing this in your marriage is going to injure the relationship. You cannot love your spouse while looking at yourself. When you try to love your spouse based on how you feel, what you need, what you think, what you want or what you are afraid of, you are going to injure them.
How to Kill Pride
I found 6 ways to kill termites naturally but there was one way that actually stood out to me more than the rest and that was Sunlight. If there is not enough sunlight penetrating your home then it is likely that termites will destroy your home, according to termite experts. Sunlight plays an important role in killing the termites naturally so you should make sure to let enough sunlight come in. If there is not enough sunlight penetrating your home then it is likely that termites will destroy your house, according the termite experts. Sunlight plays an important role in killing the termites naturally so you should make sure to let enough sunlight come in. In the same way, if there is not enough sunlight penetrating your marriage, then it is likely that pride will destroy your marriage. Sunlight plays an important role in killing pride naturally.
In the middle of Pride is "I"
Learn to Love
Let the Sunlight In
Sunlight for marriage is Love and you must let it shine bright. Love is the only thing that will stop the destruction of pride. Everyone gets married because they want someone to love them. The problem is that couples stay in this selfish mindset of "when are you going to meet my needs" and they never transition to being outward focused towards their spouse. Pride says, "If you hurt me then I need to hurt you back." That can happen by lashing out, withdrawing, being sarcastic, and number of other ways. But love on the other hand says, "You hurt me, but let me give more love." This happens by focusing on restoring unity as opposed to focusing on being heard or being right.
It Takes Practice
Love, when done the right way, is not easy to do. It takes practice. Starting from a place of assuming that your mate is not your enemy and that they are not evil will help you process their error or stupidity differently. Just remember, if you injure your spouse emotionally, you are injuring the marriage that YOU are apart of. It's YOUR marriage. I'm reminded of the movie "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. They destroyed their own home trying to get at each other. Don't do that. You must be diligent about identifying, eradicating and protecting your marriage from the silent destroyer.