How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Am I being punished? What do I do now? What will my future be like? Why wasn't I good enough? Who will want me now? What will everyone say? Did I try hard enough? Why did God allow this to happen? When will the pain stop?

These are all common questions you ask yourself if your marriage ends. No one gets married to get divorced. No one goes into marriage hoping to fail. And yet, over and over, time after time, the divorce rate continues to climb to staggering numbers. As a therapist, I am committed to helping couples have great marriages. I wish that every marriage would thrive and society be stronger as a whole, producing generations of informed lovers. But the reality of divorce is not something that can be ignored.

Thousands of people get married every year and the overwhelming majority of them do not know what they are signing up for. The real tragedy is that divorce can wreck so many lives, like a 5 year old getting behind the wheel of a car, driving in Houston traffic. The damage potential is high. People make promises that they have not prepared themselves to keep. I often ask clients, "When you signed up for, 'For better or for worse,' what did you think worse looked like?

Divorce is a life altering experience that God hates. It kills hopes and dreams. It alters reality and reinforces insecurities. It is as if you lost a loved one. What you thought was real is no longer real. What kept you safe has now turned your world upside down. I hope this will help comfort your grieving heart.

Hope

Hope is the expectation of something good. Divorce steals your hope. When hope is gone it is difficult to find joy in life. It is difficult to get out of bed, to go to work, to do life period. The thing about life is that it has no pause button. So many times I've wished I could just pause life so I could have time to catch my breath. No, you must keep doing what you have to do while being crushed into little pieces.

In my office I do not do "Christian" counseling with every client because not every one wants that. However, when it comes to the issues of life such a death and divorce, I have no greater answer than resurrecting power of Jesus. "Hope" that is not connected to Him will not be able to sustain during such a difficult time. One of my favorite stories is when two of Jesus' disciples were walking, on there way to hide and mourn, and Jesus comes up behind them but they were hidden from recognizing him. It is recorded in Luke 24:13-32. When he asked what they were talking about they told him about what had happened to Jesus and they said "we had hoped he was the Messiah..." Their Hope had been destroyed because things did not turn out the way they thought they would. They were lost, without hope, and were hiding. Jesus began to talk to them from the old testament scriptures about himself. They invited him to come eat with them and once we broke the bread then their eyes were open and recognized him.

Pain that is the result of things not working out the way you had planned (divorce) can cause you to lose hope.
In the midst of your pain, it is difficult to find Hope, even though Hope is still with you
Your Hope after a major loss like divorce will come from remembering God's word
Just like when Jesus broke the bread, sometimes you can't have Hope until after you have been broken.

In order to make it thru this difficult time, you must have your hope restored. Therapy can help you with that process.

Grieving

You were never meant to "tough." Acting tough only makes you weaker and more mentally and emotionally unstable because the way you are acting doesn't match what you are internally feeling. Grieving the loss of your marriage is very normal. Here are some of the stages of grief and what you will likely experience in each:

Shock and Denial - The disbelief of what has happened can be paralyzing. You will find it hard to believe that your marriage is over and you will have a hard time accepting that you must let go. You will be in a state of shock.
Pain and Guilt - Your soul (the essence of who you are) may feel crushed. You will also be wondering if you did everything you could have to fix it. You will wonder what you could have done differently. You may beat yourself for not being perfect. You will feel as if you were not good enough to live up to the standard and you will feel it is your fault. Though painful, it is necessary to go thru the pain. Hiding it or suppressing it by distractions will cause you more harm. There may be days where you just do not feel like doing life. Sometimes you may actually have to take a day off.
Anger - You will get angry at your mate and possibly at God for what has happened. You will wonder, "why me?" Being angry is not wrong. Hurting others with your anger is wrong. But you have a right to be angry. You may also be angry at yourself.
Depression and loneliness - Depression is not simply "having a bad day." Depression is debilitating. The rejection you may feel and the changing of your reality makes depression almost inevitable. Loneliness is the feeling of missing what you two had. The best way to fight depression is to draw close to the ones you know love you. You need a lot of love poured in because you won't have much to give for a while.
Acceptance - As you begin to accept your reality your pain will become less paralyzing and more manageable. You may still hurt but you are accepting that there is life after this.
Rebuilding and Hope - Once you are able to grab hold to your hope, you will begin the process of being a better you. You will begin to see how this happened, take responsibility for your part, forgive yourself for being human and plan your future.

These stages do not necessarily go in order and they may overlap at times. You may go in and out of different stages several times before reaching the Hope stage. You are not the first person to go thru a divorce. Others have gone before you. The one who come out better are the ones who put in the work to be better.

Forgiveness

As you heal from your divorce you will need to start to work towards forgiveness. You may be still hurt from what happened. You may be blaming yourself, your spouse or even your support system for failing. In order to reach emotional wholeness you will have to forgive. You may have to forgive your spouse for rejecting you and not recognizing your value beyond what they could see. You may have to forgive them for the things they did that hurt you because it really was not about you, it was about them. Forgiveness does not say that how you were treated is acceptable. Forgiveness says that you are releasing them from the responsibility of paying you back. You no longer treat them as if they owe you something. It's like when I bank forgives a debt. You may not be able to get another loan but you are released from having to pay the forgiven debt back. When there is unforgiveness in your life you cannot be authentic and present because a part of your emotional energy is still trapped in that relationship. You may also have to forgive yourself for being human. You may have done some things that you believe contributed to the divorce. We do what we know how to do so forgive yourself for not being as perfect as you think you should have been.

More help...

Here is a great article I found on healing after divorce. Its audience is women but I believe it can be applicable to men. If you would like to come in for therapy just fill out the come on the contact page.
16 Ways to Find Healing and Hope After Divorce