(Disclaimer: This post assumes emotional wellness. Inappropriate levels of self-esteem and boundaries negates most of this.)

When we are injured we tend to focus on ourselves...our pain, our needs, our rights. But what we don't know is that this is actually counterproductive. When we focus on what we are not getting in the marriage and we protest in order to get it, we actually end up perpetuating our brokenness. That means that in an attempt to take care of myself and get my needs met I prevent the process of healing from happening. We are "healthy" or move towards wholeness when we are giving outwardly of ourselves, making a difference, big or small, in someone else's life. Pride keeps us turned inward, focusing on self. You've heard me say before that Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. You cannot love your spouse while focused on yourself.

So then instead of being overly focused on your own needs and wants and complaining about what your spouse is not doing, if you want to move towards wholeness, you must learn to give outwardly. You must learn to love when when you want to protest and complain. That means loving them more in order to heal you. Otherwise, you end up walking in pride which is THE silent assassin of marriage and relationships. Love and pride cannot exist in the same place at the same time. Just as light and darkness cannot exist in the same place at the same time. When I talk about "wholeness" and healing I am referring to the deeper issue that is being triggered by your spouse but actually has its root in your past. Therapy can help you with this whole process.

A Deeper Explanation
I was sharing this whole concept with someone and they responded this way: I understand what you are saying but all I have been doing is trying to love her and met her needs. I feel like she won't ever get better because of her own issues and self worth. I feel stuck and I am tired. This is pointless.

This husband was doing what he's supposed to do which was loving his wife even when it's hard, with the hope that she will begin to love him the same way. This husband is a Christian. This was my response:

Unfortunately that is the difficult part of being married to a human AND being Christian. We can "give" as long as we see, feel or believe that our efforts are working, and maybe even a little while after our "vision" or belief has stopped. But it won't be long before lose hope and turn our eyes back towards ourself and say, "I can't do this. This isn't working. This is pointless. Things will never change." When hopelessness shows up it erodes the boundaries that have been holding back destruction.

I then told him:

"You do have needs. You too are broken. But your giving is what brings you closer to wholeness. She may not know this yet. She needs to give. But you did not know it either until I just shared it with you. She is busy trying to receive. You are frustrated because you are focused on receiving again. That is "being human," yes. But as Christians we have a higher calling. The key to operating at that higher level is to be completely IN Christ. Otherwise, you will do it based on what you have and when it is gone then your alarms go off and say, 'Hey buddy, the love you need you aren't getting from her.' From there you have NO choice but to be frustrated, which perpetuates your brokenness because we don't become whole by focusing on ourself. Trust me I know it's not easy. It's not easy for me. But if it were easy then divorce would be extinct."

I hope this was helpful for you. As always, I'd love to know your thoughts. Be encouraged.