I know what is best for me!

It is always interesting to me when clients come to therapy with their own solutions to their problems. They say they want to have a better marriage or do life better but when I try to help them see the way to change they resist and tell me something like “I don’t think that’s what’s going on with me, my childhood was great, I’ve already done therapy for being abused, I’m not insecure, I do not feel like I’m codependent, I don’t want to hear about God,” and so on.

The ones who say “I don’t want to hear about God” are the ones who usually need God the most. I don’t ever talk about religion in my office, but God and religion are not the same thing. Religion is about rituals that man uses to get to God. The truth is, nothing can make you misunderstand God and who He is more than religion. But I will talk about that another time.

If you are sick, and you do not have a medical degree then it does not make sense for you to tell the doctor how to treat you. My doctor has told me things that I did not agree with or understand but I followed her instructions anyway and sure enough, she was right. I stopped second guessing her every since I experienced the same thing in my office.

I have a few clients who’s marriage is literally upside down. They have hit a wall that they cannot climb or go around but they will not let me tell them how to move the wall. Why? Because they do not want to hear about the only wall mover for marriage there is…God. So I give them all of the “tools” and book knowledge I have only to keep circling back and hitting this wall where there is a deeper issue.

I believe marriage is God’s idea, but MY belief is not what makes it true. It is true whether I believe it or not. You decide what you believe, but you do not decide what an absolute truth is. You can absolutely decide there are no absolute truths, but that still does not make your decision true. A better way to make my statement about marriage is this: Marriage is God’s idea, and I believe it. Interestingly enough, clients will say they believe marriage is God’s idea but they are not open to hearing what the creator of marriage says about it.

I asked a client the other day, “If I told you that there is place in North Houston where amazing things happen. It’s right off the feeder road and when you walk inside you immediately feel something different. There’s a lady there who will give you a pink pill and a blue pill to be taken at the same time at exactly 3:12. When you take the pill you won’t feel anything immediately but within the hour you will notice that your anxiety is gone, your negative beliefs are gone and you can now have a clear mind to build a great life. What would you do?” He said without hesitation “I’d drive to North Houston.”

How interesting is that? You have no idea if this will work but you are willing to try it because nothing else has worked so far, and yet you will not try God. What’s the worst that can happen? Try God and see and if He doesn’t change your life you can easily go back to how you have been living.

It reminds me of the story of Naaman who had leprosy. He went to see Elisha so that Elisha could heal him. Naaman was not a “believer,” but rather a pagan (not a believer in the God of Israel). When Naaman went to see Elisha, Elisha did not even come out to meet him, but instead sent instructions on what to do. Further more, the instructions were did not make sense to Naaman and he became very angry. See, Elisha had told him to “go and wash seven times in the Jordan river and your flesh will be returned and cleansed.” The thing about the Jordan was that it was dirty…kinda like Galveston. So Naaman was angry and about to leave until one of his servants said to him, “If the prophet had told you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? So you should certainly obey him when he simply says go and wash and be cured.” So Naaman went down to the Jordan river and dipped himself 7 times and was cleansed. It says that his skin was as healthy as a young child (2 Kings 5:1-15).

When you decide to help for a problem you do not have the answer to, be open to hearing what the ‘answer giver’ has to say…what’s the worst that can happen?

Why we do not take insurance

This blog entry is a little different in that it is not about helping you have a better relationship/marriage directly. However, indirectly it will help you choose the best therapist (which hopefully will be us) and thereby helping you have a better relationship/marriage.

A Better Family Now has been seeing clients for 5 years and we have always been a self-pay facility. Many people ask why we do not accept insurance, and I’m sure many more people wonder who probably never asked. When I started the company I knew I did not want to deal with the hassle of insurance. About a year after starting the company I heard of a lawsuit filed by the pyschiatrists and doctors of Texas against LMFTs and LPCs with the attempt to take away their authority to diagnose. If won then it meant that a lot of therapists would lose money because the insurance companies require a diagnosis. This lawsuit did not affect A Better Family Now (ABFN) because we were not accepting insurance and not required to give clients a diagnosis. That lawsuit convinced me to stay as a self-pay therapist.

Fast forward to 2019 and I was considering accepting a few insurance clients. We finally began to do the research to weigh the pros and cons to accepting insurance and it did not take long to conclude that we would not be accepting insurance.

Here are the reasons we have decided not to accept insurance:

• When you accept insurance you essentially become an employee of the insurance company. They decide what you can and cannot bill for and for how long.

• Insurance companies require you to give the client a diagnosis. When seeing couples, what diagnosis do you give the couple? Anxiety? Depression? Whatever diagnosis you give then you have to include in your notes the interventions used for that specific diagnosis.

• Insurance companies will not pay our full fee. This means that we would have to take on more cases which I feel would lessen our effectiveness as therapists. The business does have to grow, but not at the expense of quality care. I want to focus on therapy and helping clients, not getting more clients so we can stay in business.

• Insurance companies pay therapists 30 days after services have been rendered and that’s if the claim does not get rejected.

• We want to be in complete control of how we treat you. The insurance company does not know what if best for our clients. If we want to take you on a couple-building field trip we do not want to have to clear that with the insurance company.

We understand that everyone cannot pay out of pocket. We are not trying to be the therapist of everyone. We want to help the clients who are looking for our unique skills and willing to make the investment to have a better life. The way we structure our fees makes it affordable and below the average for Pearland therapists.

Therapy is an investment into your future. You are worth the investment. Give us a chance to help you live the life you were created to live.

Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage

A client asked me, “What are the characteristics of a healthy marriage?” The truth is that most people are trying to do something (marriage) that they were never taught how to do or what it is supposed to look like when it is right. I came up with these key characteristics of a healthy marriage.

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LOVE
You may have heard the saying “Love is not enough to make a marriage work.” On the contrary, Love is enough. The problem is that most people do not understand what Love is and what all it encompasses. The truth is that everything else on this list are the offspring of Love. Love is the driving force behind every other characteristic. Love is the ACTION expressed towards the one you are loving for their benefit, not yours.

FORGIVENESS
You cannot have healthy human relationships without forgiveness. Sometimes forgiveness is instant and sometimes it is a process. However it happens, it needs to be something that is common in your marriage.

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
We communicate primarily through language. The better you are at expressing yourself the better you are understood. There are many hinderances to effective communication and when you discover them I urge you to be diligent about addressing them. Being able to say how you feel in a way that does not insult (even though it may not make them feel good in the moment) is important for good communication. Being able to listen, validate and dialogue without judgment or criticism is also important.

ACCEPTANCE
We humans are experts at trying to control things, especially other people. If your spouse were just like you then one of you would be unnecessary. You want to accept your spouse as they are. Accepting them does not mean condoning whatever bad behavior they may have. To accept them means to understand that they have flaws like you, they were created in God’s image not yours, and whatever growth they are to do is up to them, not you. You can influence them but you cannot change them. Learn to accept the differences and pray about the wrongs.

AFFECTION
There should be some expression of affection between you on a regular basis. Sometimes it is physical and sometimes it is verbal. You may cuddle on the couch or you may send a random text saying “I miss you.” You both should be about the business of finding out what makes your spouse light up and become very good at doing that.

FRIENDSHIP
You must always work on strengthening your friendship. Your friendship is where your “like” for each other dwells. How do we treat good friends? With respect, without judgement, and with consideration. Have fun together. Find things that you like to do together. You may think that you are so different that you have nothing in common, but at minimum you guys live on the same planet…you can find something to bond around.

PRAYER
This may not be one that you would think would be on the list, but the truth is that research says that the divorce rate between couples who pray together is only 0.001%. Marriage is God’s idea. It was always meant to be between a husband, a wife and God. It is the first institution God created. When you have a spiritual connection with each other it can run deeper than even your emotional connection.

RESPECT
Always show respect and honor to your mate. Never see them as less than you. Do not talk down to them and do not allow anyone else to do so. When you have a spouse you are no longer in the world with a mindset of “what is best for me,” but rather “what is best for us.”

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This is not an exhaustive list, however if you can do these things well then I am sure you will be well on your way to a healthy marriage. If you would like help getting to a healthier marriage just email us on the contact form.

Fix Your Mirrors

What would it be like to live in a house with no mirrors? How would you get prepared to face the world every day? You wouldn’t be able to see if there is crust in your eyes or if your hair is all over the place. What if you did have mirrors but they had all kinds of dirts and filters on them? You would be able to see yourself but you would not be able to see yourself for who you truly are. If you only have dirty cracked mirrors to look into then how do you ever step out of the house looking your best? I know that would be tragic for my lady. As a matter of fact, she probably would not leave the house at all without first being able to make sure that she looks flawless.

Mirrors in your home help you fix your outward appearance, but there are also mirrors that help you fix your inner self. These mirrors are called Friends. Your close friends should be the mirrors that tell you what’s going on inside of you. If you have a bad attitude, they can tell you. If you are selfish or rude, they can tell you. When you have really good friends (clean mirrors) you can show up in the world as your best self.

Can you see you?

Unfortunately, some of you have bad mirrors. The people you have around you do not help you be your best self. Some friends only tell you how great you are and they never reflect back to you areas of improvement. Other friends only point out your flaws and always telling you how wrong you are. They are not supportive and they are not happy when you excel. All of these are funny mirrors that are not letting you see the real you.

It is important to have quality friends around you to help you know when and where you need to grow. If you are married then your spouse is your mirror. However another problem arises when you refuse to believe what the mirror is showing you. Don’t be so full of yourself that you reject what the mirror is telling you about you. You may think you are being awesome but there is some crust in your eye. Look in your mirror and address that disrespectful tone in your voice. Address that selfishness you display when you don’t get your way.

The point I am making this: Make sure you have the right people around you to help you grow and be great. You cannot be great alone, but neither can you believe every mirror you look into. Your biggest mirror should be God. But remember, even a clear and perfect mirror only helps you if you look in it and believe what it shows you.

Six Steps to Being More Confident

It is always interesting to me when people say, “You are so confident,” because I often feel I need more confidence. I was recently watching Mel Robbins on Creative Live and she was talking about how to have confidence and overcome self-doubt. She shared this formula for being confident and I want to share it with you. I wish I had thought of it, but I did not. This is Mel’s work but I really want you to get it.

Here are 6 steps to being more confident…

1. Decide to try. Once you decide to try, you are already operating in confidence. Confidence is situational. That means that no is confident in every area. You may be confident as a father but not as a husband. Or you may be confident as a teacher but not as a cook. You do not have to be an expert in the area in which you are hoping to have confidence. Just take the first step and try!

2. Succeed or Survive. Once you try it you will either succeed at it or you will survive it. Notice I did not say fail. Isn’t it interested how the only alternative to succeeding that we can see is failing? You did not fail, you survived.

3. Learn. If you succeed then learn from it. If you did not succeed but you survived it, learn from it.

4. Build your skills. Now that you are learning, you start to get good at it. You build your skills in the area that you want to be confident in.

5. Competency. Once you build your skills you become competent. You know what you are doing because you’ve been putting in work. You decided to try, you survived and did not die so you learned from it, built your skills and now you have a level of competency.

6. Confidence. Now you can be confident in what you do. The only thing left to do now if find a new area to become more confident in.

Life will only get better when you get better. No one is coming to your aid to make life better for you. That includes your marriage. You are responsible for making sure your spouse has a great spouse. Being confident as a spouse means you have been actively involved in marriage and growing in your weak areas so that you can build a marriage legacy.

That makes no sense!

I was watching The Karate Kid (the new version with Jackie Chan) and I noticed how it parallels marriage counseling in a lot of ways. Here's the rundown. Dre is this kid who wants to learn how to fight so he finds a "master" and convinces him to teach him how to be a great fighter. The teacher tells him, "come to my place and I will teach you how to fight." Now, Dre obviously has an preconceived idea about what his training will look like. He knows where he struggles so he has ideas about how the teacher will make him strong in those areas and those areas only.

So when Dre shows up to learn, the teacher gives him chores to do. The chores that he has Dre  doing seemingly have no connection with what Dre came for...to learn how to fight. You've probably seen the movie so I won't detail the whole thing, but the seemingly insignificant and irrelevant chores that the teacher had Dre doing actually taught him the basics on which he would build a very strong fighting skills. Dre became frustrated with the teacher when he was repeatedly told to do things that HE thought had nothing at all to do with marriage counseling...I mean, karate.

It may not make sense to you at first...

People come into the therapy room with preconceived ideas about what they need to work on and how they need to work on it in order to get better. The truth is, whether they admit it or not, they want and expect to "get better fast." When I tell them to do something that is beyond their immediate understanding they are often hesitant and resistant to doing what is asked. If it "doesn't make sense" to them then it must be wrong and can't work, right?

When I was riding back from dropping my son off at college I was listening to a book which isn't a marriage book but is what I believe to be crucial to the success of marriage. I begin to think, "Man, what if I told every client who came to therapy to read this book first?" I imagine almost everyone would be like "I came for marriage counseling, not this." 

Sometimes, in order for you to be helped you have to trust someone other than yourself. You can become trapped in the prison of "I have all the answers" and block your own progress. I call it a prison because it is as if you are trapped and blinded by what you think you know. The people who have the most success in therapy are the ones who come with an open mind and say "I don't know how to do this, can you help me?" It may not make sense at first, but there is a process to having a great marriage and the process starts way before pointing the finger at your spouse.

I remember one time when I went to Vegas, there was a guy on the strip painting with a little scraper and spray paint. He had on display things he had already painted and they were amazing. But when I walked up he had just taken a blank canvas and started painting it. As I'm watching, I know he knows what he's doing because I see the previous results, but I do not understand why he is doing what he is doing. I figured that eventually I would be able to recognize what he was painting before he finished but I never did. It wasn't until he finished completely and then flipped the picture right side up that I saw the masterpiece and I was wow'd! Not only was I amazed at the amazing picture he created but also at the fact that he did it all upside down and I couldn't recognize it until he was completely done.

In the above scenario, I would be the scraper and spray paint (the therapist). The artist would be God. The canvas would be your marriage. And the reviews that you see on google about A Better Family Now would be other peoples lives on display to show you what the artist can do. You have to decide if you are going to go thru the whole process when you may not understand it all and may not see the real results until the end, or if you know better than the therapist. Therapy works if you do.

Choosing the right mate v2.0

Back in 2004, long before I was a therapist or knew it was my calling, I wrote a blog called "Choosing the Right Mate." In that writing I gave some really good information about how to choose the right person for you. I emphasized the fact that I wasn't talking about "Finding the Right Mate" because I did not know how to "find" the person. I was simply talking about making the choice after you've found someone worth considering. I talked about making a list of the things you "must have" and the things you "can't tolerate." I also mentioned for you to make a list of things you would really like but are not deal breakers. It was really good information. I was proud of my writing.

What a different 14 years make. Actually, I should say what a difference 14 years, a divorce and spiritual maturity makes. I had very good intentions back then and I'm sure some of those things I wrote were helpful. The problem is that trying to choose the right mate is like a dog chasing its tail...you will forever be going around in circles. The truth is, as a single person who wants to be in a relationship or married, your number one goal should be "becoming" the right person, not "choosing" the right person. Aww, I know...disappointment huh? It's true. The right person does not exist, if by "right" you mean the one who fits you better than anyone else and is perfect for you.

Now, I do believe that there are some personalities who may "fit" with yours better than some others. However, no matter how well you believe someone fits you, there is someone else who would fit you just as well, if not better. The problem is that if you do not work on you becoming the right person, it won't matter how well you "fit" together, you will destroy the fit because you are not right. I'm not at all saying that being wise in your choice of a mate is not important. It is VERY important. However, what is more important is making sure you are who you need to be so that wisdom won't be wasted.

You may be asking, "Well how do I become the right person and how will I know when I have arrived?" Good questions. You become the right person by first looking to the one who created you to find out why. No one creates anything without a purpose and God is no different. I am officially "old" because I have come to know for myself that what the bible says about how we should live life on this planet is the best way. David said in one of the Psalms, "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but NOW I keep your word." The reality is that you have free will, and can do what you feel, but I strongly caution against that. You have been designed with a malfunction mechanism built-in and it will activate automatically when you try to do life without God. So finding out who you are and why he created you is your first task.

As far as knowing when you are in a place where you are ready to choose a mate, I will say it is when your past is no longer dominating your present. Now, before you run to plentyoffish.com let me tell you that just because you do not have any obvious signs that your past is dominating you (or so you think) that does not mean that you are ready. Here are some things you should have as indicators that you are "right": Self-control (not other-control), Self-Compassion, the ability to give without expecting a return, being a skilled forgiver, long patience (one of the most crucial characteristics you will need in a relationship), having appropriate responses to anger, a consistent prayer life, and you've dealt with all your childhood shame & guilt. After these 8 then you should be ready for a new beginning. There are more that I could list but these are a good 8 to focus on.

I wish I had known that the most important thing was becoming a great mate instead of hoping to find one. Perhaps God took me the route he did so that I could help you do better. I used to live by what I assumed, now I live by revelation. What I mean by that is, I used to think I was smart and that I knew a lot, but now I realize I know very little and daily seek God's revelation on how to do life on this planet. You can try it your way, or your mama's way, or whoever you think is right. As for me and my house...sorry, I think my fingers got caught up lol. But seriously, work on becoming the right mate first before trying to choose one so that whoever you choose won't have to pay for you not having done your self-work.

You are and will always be your biggest challenge in your relationship. There is nothing else you can control other than you. It's up to you. Your happiness, your greatness, your success, your spiritual growth, your love I.Q, is all up to you. What your parents did or how you were raised can't be the excuse anymore. Life doesn't change until you change you. Being in a relationship with someone who you think is "the right one" will not make life better for you unless you have made your life better without them. And if you are already married, you can still become better without divorcing. Just be committed to working on you!

Be encouraged.

Growing Past Controlling Your Mate

Do you and your mate have conflict about something you want them to change? Don't you wish they would just be who you want them to be? Most people won't admit it, but the truth is that we want people to be the way we want them to be because it is more comfortable for us. Them changing means that I don't have to. 

A lot of the things that we get upset about in our relationships are areas we need to grow in as opposed to our mate changing. Rarely do we get upset because our mate has broken God's law, but rather because they have broken our law. When what you want from your mate is not required by God then that is a sign that you need to grow to a place of acceptance. Unfortunately, instead of acceptance, we try to control our mate by making demands and threats.

The Danger of Control

The thing about control is that the ONLY person you can control is you so it will always lead to frustration trying to control someone else. Control is always about insecurity, which is fear, which is not from God, according to 2 Timothy 1:7. When you try to control your mate or a situation it is because you are trying to gain a sense of peace and relieve anxiety. That anxiety is cause by fear. Worry (anxiety) and fear are always about the future and what MIGHT happen. Fear is the opposite of faith and it prohibits Love. The bible says that perfect Love casts out fear. Faith is the answer to fear just as Love is the answer to pride. The unhealthy progression goes like this: Fear > Anxiety > Control. This progression hinders growth and the free flow of Love. However, the healthy progression goes like this: Fear > Faith > Trust (in God) > Acceptance. Acceptance is the opposite of control. Acceptance does not mean agreement. 

Differences vs. Flaws

So what then do we accept and what do we do when something is not acceptable? Rule of thumb: Differences are to be accepted, Flaws are not. Differences are those things that you don't like or would prefer your mate change, but it's not a matter of right and wrong. Differences are not things that breaks God's law. Differences are simply things you do not approve of. Your preferences. If you are going to truly love then your role is to learn to accept the differences between you. If you are not married and feel you can't accept the differences then let the person go.

Flaws on the other hand are things that God's would not approve of. For example, you allowing your anger to make you say ugly things to your mate, hiding the truth, or trying to control someone (to name a few). Flaws are matters of the heart, not preference. What I mean by that is, flaws are negative words and behaviors that come from the heart to hurt people, including ourselves sometimes. Flaws are not to be accepted. When your mate has a flaw, your role is to be Patient as God works on them. Notice that control is still not your role. To say it plainly, when there are differences then your role is to accept them (this will probably require you to grow). When there are flaws then your role is to be patient (which also will require growth because we want our mates to 'fix it' right away). Acceptance and patience are both Love ingredients. 

When you find yourself trying to control someone then that is a clear indicator that you need to grow because you are not allowing Love to flow. You have to address whatever insecurity is fueling your fear. Don't be thrown off by the word "insecurity." All of us are insecure about something, it is the human experience. We have made insecurity into a plague of shame which makes it unacceptable to admit. But if you are human you have insecurities, period. Take that to God and allow him to change your heart instead of you trying to change other people. 

Love is the Way

The pathway to a better you and a better relationship is Love. Remember, Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. Whatever it is you are hoping your mate would change, is it for your benefit or theirs? There is NO controlling behavior in love. Control is an attempt to mold your mate in your image, instead of God's image. Allow love to grow you and help you become more accepting of your differences, and patient with their flaws. And here is one of the best pictures of how to deal with flaws: Galatians 6:1 - Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.

The One Question Almost Every Argument is Trying to Get Answered

Have you noticed that no matter what you and your mate argue about, it always looks the same? The content may change but eventually the same sentiments are expressed. It doesn't take long for the fight to escalated to a place of "I don't care what you say, you need to hear what I say." I want to share with you a secret that will change your whole relationship for the better, if you learn how to use it effectively.

How it starts

Here's a familiar scenario: John comes home from work and notices the light over the stove is on. He has told his family not to leave the light on, but he honestly has not given a real reason why. (He may not even fully understand why himself)  However, he has been very clear in that he doesn't like for the light to be left on. Well, this particular day he comes in and immediately gets angry when he sees the light on. He shouts his wife's name (Jane) and she comes hurriedly to see what's wrong. He starts fussing about the light and she starts defending herself. For the next 2 days they are fighting about a light, so they think.

This scenario is very common. We can change the content...light, laundry, sex, disrespect, kids, whatever...but the end result is the same...an injured marriage. Jane thinks to herself, "why is he so petty? All of this because of a freaking light!?" Jane has missed the real issue just like almost everyone misses it. She thinks that they are fighting about a light, but they are actually fighting about something far more serious. This is at the core of every fight and the one question that every argument is trying to get answered: Do I matter to you? Do you care about me? Am I important to you? This is what every fight is about. But lets talk about what happens when you don't recognize the core issue.

That is so petty! 

Petty is the new popular word these days. What petty is "supposed" to mean is "tit for tat." However, in marriage and in Jane's case, when the word is used it often minimizes how the other person feels thereby making it almost impossible to acknowledge and comfort those feelings. This causes the opposite of validation to happen which is "disregardingl of feelings." The truth is, you cannot decide for your spouse what is significant and what is not for them. You can only decide that for you. I had a client in my office who told me about how when she got home she wanted her husband to greet her with a kiss and when he doesn't then she feels like he is rejecting her. But then that same client in the same session also told me that her husband gets upset when she leaves the pantry door open. She feels that is "so petty" of him to be upset about that. She did not recognize how her feelings of wanting to be greeted when she got home was no less (or more) petty than her husband and the pantry. What may be high on your importance list may not be the same on your spouse's list. No matter how insignificant it is to you, if it is affecting them in a strong way then it is significant to the marriage, not petty. Once you decide "they are being petty" then you automatically shut the door to acknowledging how they feel. The belief that your spouse is being petty is probably a result of you not recognizing that what you are arguing about is not the thing that is the real problem, but rather the question of "do I matter to you?" is.

All that Matters

Everyone wants to feel like they matter. This "feeling" of importance is not the same as the knowledge of importance. Your goal when it comes to being a great comforter is learning to hear the emotion behind the complaint. That is not an easy thing to do, which is apparent by the high divorce rate. When you find yourself stuck in a conflict you need to start to ask yourself, "Am I showing them that they matter to me? Am I acknowledging their feelings or do I see them as petty?" This is where love is strengthened. Remember, you are "life" partners. Life is not just the good times, but also the bad. Love is ENJOYED in the good times but it is STRENGTHENED in the difficult times IF the question of "do I matter to you?" is answered in the affirmative. So though you may be talking about a light, or going on a date, or working too much, the real issue at the core is "Do I matter to you?"

The Man Behind The Curtain

I remember as a kid when I first watched The Wizard of Oz, I thought it was funny that the Wizard was not really 'all-knowing and powerful' once they pulled the curtain back. What the people saw was this awesome being that they reverenced as mighty and unlike them. However, Toto pulled back the curtain and exposed the Wizard. Turns out, he is but a human...frail, flawed and imperfect, just like everyone else. When he noticed that he was exposed he tried to quickly cover up his secret but it was too late.

As dishonest as that was for Oscar Diggs to pretend to be the Wizard, most today people live their lives behind the curtain. People are deathly afraid of being exposed as human. But we shouldn't blame people for being afraid to be human. We shame people for being human. We laugh at people for being human. We take out our cell phones and record people when they are being human so that they can post it on the biggest human shamer, "World Star." So of course, being authentically human is not that attractive. But here's the problem. You ARE human! Trying to convince the world that you are not human is going to make life hard and open the door for depression, anxiety, and a lot of other unnecessary things.

Hiding Behind the Curtain

We learn to "hide" when we are very young, usually within the first 8 years of life. We learn that having needs is bad. We learn that we are not good enough. We learn that we are not worth the sacrifice of love. We learn that crying is weak and we don't want to be seen as weak. That's actually what put this on my mind to write this. I had a close friend tell me that they didn't tell me about what was going on in their life because they did not want to cry. It made me think...why do we hate to cry? Crying is one of the most human things we Earthlings do! It is not human, nor is it strong, to be hurt and act as if nothing is wrong...hiding behind the curtain.

The Pain of Hiding

What I told my friend, and what I tell my clients often is that we are not meant to do life alone. When you try to do life alone are pretty much guaranteed to harm yourself emotionally. Even in the beginning when God created Adam He said 'it is not good that man be alone.' He said that even though Adam had a relationship with Him. I am convinced that having fun alone is boring, but hurting alone is painful. So you deal with the pain that you are dealing with plus the pain of dealing with it alone. When I'm in pain, I may not call anyone to come and see about me (I'm working thru my shame just like you) but I'm definitely not going to push people away who care about me. When you hide your humanity, you heighten your pain and your struggle. As I've gotten older AND as I have done the work to overcome shame, I am embracing being human more and more. One day it just dawned on me...those people that are laughing, talking or pointing fingers are human just like me! As a matter fact, the reason they are judging and criticizing is probably to help them stay behind the curtain.

The 'Myth' of Being 'Strong Enough'

People often say "God won't put more on you than you can bear." That is not true! They are usually misunderstanding the scripture that says He will not allow you to be TEMPTED beyond what you can bear. Galatians 6:2 says, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." If you were strong enough to do life alone then He would not have said "bear one another's burdens." If I can carry it then I don't need help. This is the beauty and value of genuine friendship. When life gets too heavy, and trust me it will, then you need friends to help you carry it. However that can't happen if you hide behind the curtain and pretend you have it all together.

The Danger of Hiding

The more you hide, the more non-human you act, the more you become harmful to yourself AND others. Hiding behind the curtain makes you envious, critical, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic. You will be focused on what you think others want you to be. But you will also be harming yourself more than you know. Maybe you've convinced yourself that no one cares. Find someone that does!! After while, if you hide too long trying to convince others of your strength and how well you have it together, you are going to start believing that you actually are the Wizard. You will become so accustomed to what Charles Whitfield calls your "false self" that your real self feels wrong. When you try to drive a car with no oil, it will malfunction because it was not designed for that. If you try to use your MacBook Pro to FaceTime underwater it will malfunction because it was not designed for that. If YOU (human) try to do life alone you will malfunction because you were not designed for that.

 Here are some signs that suggest you are hiding: 

• You can't cry in front of others
• You think crying is weak
• You feel like you always have to be right
• You consider yourself an Alpha Male
• You can't leave the house without makeup
• You claim to be 100% authentic
• You excuse your rudeness as being "real"
• You lack compassion
• You are often critical
• You don't feel good enough
• You believe you are so different that something is innately wrong with you
• You have to respond to every critic
• You would rather be alone when you are hurting
• You are a loner
• You care a lot about what other people think
• You are a man (most men are hiding because we do not know how to parent little boys without shaming them)
• You don't trust anyone
• You are always happy