Back in 2004, long before I was a therapist or knew it was my calling, I wrote a blog called "Choosing the Right Mate." In that writing I gave some really good information about how to choose the right person for you. I emphasized the fact that I wasn't talking about "Finding the Right Mate" because I did not know how to "find" the person. I was simply talking about making the choice after you've found someone worth considering. I talked about making a list of the things you "must have" and the things you "can't tolerate." I also mentioned for you to make a list of things you would really like but are not deal breakers. It was really good information. I was proud of my writing.
What a different 14 years make. Actually, I should say what a difference 14 years, a divorce and spiritual maturity makes. I had very good intentions back then and I'm sure some of those things I wrote were helpful. The problem is that trying to choose the right mate is like a dog chasing its tail...you will forever be going around in circles. The truth is, as a single person who wants to be in a relationship or married, your number one goal should be "becoming" the right person, not "choosing" the right person. Aww, I know...disappointment huh? It's true. The right person does not exist, if by "right" you mean the one who fits you better than anyone else and is perfect for you.
Now, I do believe that there are some personalities who may "fit" with yours better than some others. However, no matter how well you believe someone fits you, there is someone else who would fit you just as well, if not better. The problem is that if you do not work on you becoming the right person, it won't matter how well you "fit" together, you will destroy the fit because you are not right. I'm not at all saying that being wise in your choice of a mate is not important. It is VERY important. However, what is more important is making sure you are who you need to be so that wisdom won't be wasted.
You may be asking, "Well how do I become the right person and how will I know when I have arrived?" Good questions. You become the right person by first looking to the one who created you to find out why. No one creates anything without a purpose and God is no different. I am officially "old" because I have come to know for myself that what the bible says about how we should live life on this planet is the best way. David said in one of the Psalms, "Before I was afflicted I went astray, but NOW I keep your word." The reality is that you have free will, and can do what you feel, but I strongly caution against that. You have been designed with a malfunction mechanism built-in and it will activate automatically when you try to do life without God. So finding out who you are and why he created you is your first task.
As far as knowing when you are in a place where you are ready to choose a mate, I will say it is when your past is no longer dominating your present. Now, before you run to plentyoffish.com let me tell you that just because you do not have any obvious signs that your past is dominating you (or so you think) that does not mean that you are ready. Here are some things you should have as indicators that you are "right": Self-control (not other-control), Self-Compassion, the ability to give without expecting a return, being a skilled forgiver, long patience (one of the most crucial characteristics you will need in a relationship), having appropriate responses to anger, a consistent prayer life, and you've dealt with all your childhood shame & guilt. After these 8 then you should be ready for a new beginning. There are more that I could list but these are a good 8 to focus on.
I wish I had known that the most important thing was becoming a great mate instead of hoping to find one. Perhaps God took me the route he did so that I could help you do better. I used to live by what I assumed, now I live by revelation. What I mean by that is, I used to think I was smart and that I knew a lot, but now I realize I know very little and daily seek God's revelation on how to do life on this planet. You can try it your way, or your mama's way, or whoever you think is right. As for me and my house...sorry, I think my fingers got caught up lol. But seriously, work on becoming the right mate first before trying to choose one so that whoever you choose won't have to pay for you not having done your self-work.
You are and will always be your biggest challenge in your relationship. There is nothing else you can control other than you. It's up to you. Your happiness, your greatness, your success, your spiritual growth, your love I.Q, is all up to you. What your parents did or how you were raised can't be the excuse anymore. Life doesn't change until you change you. Being in a relationship with someone who you think is "the right one" will not make life better for you unless you have made your life better without them. And if you are already married, you can still become better without divorcing. Just be committed to working on you!
Be encouraged.