Do you and your mate have conflict about something you want them to change? Don't you wish they would just be who you want them to be? Most people won't admit it, but the truth is that we want people to be the way we want them to be because it is more comfortable for us. Them changing means that I don't have to.
A lot of the things that we get upset about in our relationships are areas we need to grow in as opposed to our mate changing. Rarely do we get upset because our mate has broken God's law, but rather because they have broken our law. When what you want from your mate is not required by God then that is a sign that you need to grow to a place of acceptance. Unfortunately, instead of acceptance, we try to control our mate by making demands and threats.
The Danger of Control
The thing about control is that the ONLY person you can control is you so it will always lead to frustration trying to control someone else. Control is always about insecurity, which is fear, which is not from God, according to 2 Timothy 1:7. When you try to control your mate or a situation it is because you are trying to gain a sense of peace and relieve anxiety. That anxiety is cause by fear. Worry (anxiety) and fear are always about the future and what MIGHT happen. Fear is the opposite of faith and it prohibits Love. The bible says that perfect Love casts out fear. Faith is the answer to fear just as Love is the answer to pride. The unhealthy progression goes like this: Fear > Anxiety > Control. This progression hinders growth and the free flow of Love. However, the healthy progression goes like this: Fear > Faith > Trust (in God) > Acceptance. Acceptance is the opposite of control. Acceptance does not mean agreement.
Differences vs. Flaws
So what then do we accept and what do we do when something is not acceptable? Rule of thumb: Differences are to be accepted, Flaws are not. Differences are those things that you don't like or would prefer your mate change, but it's not a matter of right and wrong. Differences are not things that breaks God's law. Differences are simply things you do not approve of. Your preferences. If you are going to truly love then your role is to learn to accept the differences between you. If you are not married and feel you can't accept the differences then let the person go.
Flaws on the other hand are things that God's would not approve of. For example, you allowing your anger to make you say ugly things to your mate, hiding the truth, or trying to control someone (to name a few). Flaws are matters of the heart, not preference. What I mean by that is, flaws are negative words and behaviors that come from the heart to hurt people, including ourselves sometimes. Flaws are not to be accepted. When your mate has a flaw, your role is to be Patient as God works on them. Notice that control is still not your role. To say it plainly, when there are differences then your role is to accept them (this will probably require you to grow). When there are flaws then your role is to be patient (which also will require growth because we want our mates to 'fix it' right away). Acceptance and patience are both Love ingredients.
When you find yourself trying to control someone then that is a clear indicator that you need to grow because you are not allowing Love to flow. You have to address whatever insecurity is fueling your fear. Don't be thrown off by the word "insecurity." All of us are insecure about something, it is the human experience. We have made insecurity into a plague of shame which makes it unacceptable to admit. But if you are human you have insecurities, period. Take that to God and allow him to change your heart instead of you trying to change other people.
Love is the Way
The pathway to a better you and a better relationship is Love. Remember, Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. Whatever it is you are hoping your mate would change, is it for your benefit or theirs? There is NO controlling behavior in love. Control is an attempt to mold your mate in your image, instead of God's image. Allow love to grow you and help you become more accepting of your differences, and patient with their flaws. And here is one of the best pictures of how to deal with flaws: Galatians 6:1 - Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path.