Have you noticed that no matter what you and your mate argue about, it always looks the same? The content may change but eventually the same sentiments are expressed. It doesn't take long for the fight to escalated to a place of "I don't care what you say, you need to hear what I say." I want to share with you a secret that will change your whole relationship for the better, if you learn how to use it effectively.
How it starts
Here's a familiar scenario: John comes home from work and notices the light over the stove is on. He has told his family not to leave the light on, but he honestly has not given a real reason why. (He may not even fully understand why himself) However, he has been very clear in that he doesn't like for the light to be left on. Well, this particular day he comes in and immediately gets angry when he sees the light on. He shouts his wife's name (Jane) and she comes hurriedly to see what's wrong. He starts fussing about the light and she starts defending herself. For the next 2 days they are fighting about a light, so they think.
This scenario is very common. We can change the content...light, laundry, sex, disrespect, kids, whatever...but the end result is the same...an injured marriage. Jane thinks to herself, "why is he so petty? All of this because of a freaking light!?" Jane has missed the real issue just like almost everyone misses it. She thinks that they are fighting about a light, but they are actually fighting about something far more serious. This is at the core of every fight and the one question that every argument is trying to get answered: Do I matter to you? Do you care about me? Am I important to you? This is what every fight is about. But lets talk about what happens when you don't recognize the core issue.
That is so petty!
Petty is the new popular word these days. What petty is "supposed" to mean is "tit for tat." However, in marriage and in Jane's case, when the word is used it often minimizes how the other person feels thereby making it almost impossible to acknowledge and comfort those feelings. This causes the opposite of validation to happen which is "disregardingl of feelings." The truth is, you cannot decide for your spouse what is significant and what is not for them. You can only decide that for you. I had a client in my office who told me about how when she got home she wanted her husband to greet her with a kiss and when he doesn't then she feels like he is rejecting her. But then that same client in the same session also told me that her husband gets upset when she leaves the pantry door open. She feels that is "so petty" of him to be upset about that. She did not recognize how her feelings of wanting to be greeted when she got home was no less (or more) petty than her husband and the pantry. What may be high on your importance list may not be the same on your spouse's list. No matter how insignificant it is to you, if it is affecting them in a strong way then it is significant to the marriage, not petty. Once you decide "they are being petty" then you automatically shut the door to acknowledging how they feel. The belief that your spouse is being petty is probably a result of you not recognizing that what you are arguing about is not the thing that is the real problem, but rather the question of "do I matter to you?" is.
All that Matters
Everyone wants to feel like they matter. This "feeling" of importance is not the same as the knowledge of importance. Your goal when it comes to being a great comforter is learning to hear the emotion behind the complaint. That is not an easy thing to do, which is apparent by the high divorce rate. When you find yourself stuck in a conflict you need to start to ask yourself, "Am I showing them that they matter to me? Am I acknowledging their feelings or do I see them as petty?" This is where love is strengthened. Remember, you are "life" partners. Life is not just the good times, but also the bad. Love is ENJOYED in the good times but it is STRENGTHENED in the difficult times IF the question of "do I matter to you?" is answered in the affirmative. So though you may be talking about a light, or going on a date, or working too much, the real issue at the core is "Do I matter to you?"