Don't Forget Your Part

In our day-to-day lives, we constantly engage in numerous interactions that shape our experiences and our perceptions of the world. These interactions, whether they are with our family, friends, colleagues, or even strangers, have the potential to influence our mood, our decisions, and our overall worldview. But have we ever stopped to think about the role we play in these interactions?

The Role We Play

We often find ourselves concerned with how we are being treated. It's a natural human tendency to seek approval, acceptance, and respect from others. However, in this pursuit, we often overlook a crucial aspect of interpersonal relationships - the role we play in shaping these interactions.

It's a thought-provoking reality that we are major contributors to how we are being treated. Our actions, our words, our reactions, all play a significant role in determining the dynamics of our relationships with others.

Self-Reflection: Key to Better Interactions

Understanding our role in shaping our interactions requires self-reflection. It's an exercise that allows us to take a step back and evaluate our actions and their impact on others. It helps us to understand how our behavior influences the behavior of others towards us.

Self-reflection also helps us to identify patterns in our behavior that might be contributing to negative interactions. By identifying these patterns, we can work on changing our behavior to improve our interactions and relationships.

Interpersonal relationships are a two-way street. We cannot expect to be treated with kindness, respect, and understanding if we do not extend the same courtesy to others. It's important to remember that we play a significant role in shaping our interactions and relationships. We are not just passive recipients of others' behavior, but active contributors to how we are being treated.

So, the next time you find yourself wondering about how you are being treated, take a moment to reflect on how your actions might be influencing the situation. You might be surprised at the changes you can bring about by simply changing your behavior.

Make "Seeking Understanding" A Priority

Every human being has an internal dictionary and they are all different.Your internal dictionary is how you define life. It is made up of your experiences, hurts, joys, childhood, past relationships, etc. This is the reason that it is SO easy to misunderstand each other and not even know it.

If you are going to have a successful marriage then you will need to understand that you don't see what you think you see, and you do not know what you think you know. So often one partner will tell the other partner how they feel and what they think, instead of asking what their behavior or words mean. For example, if the husband is always late, the wife may conclude the he doesn't care about being on time. But unless she asks her husband, she will likely misunderstand what his lateness means.

What Does It Mean?

Nothing in life matters (and I mean NOTHING) until you give it meaning. The meaning you give it will be based on your own internal dictionary. Going back to the previous example, if the meaning that the wife gives the husband's lateness is "he's intentionally trying to annoy me," she's going to interact with that belief a certain way. If she determines it means, "that's just who he is and its not a big deal," she will interact with that belief a certain way.

This is why you should not take so many things personal. Yes, there may be a negative behavior that you do not like, but your partner's negative behavior is not about you. Seek to understand them as opposed to trying to make them agree with you about their negative behavior. Perhaps they do need to change. But maybe they need more compassion from you in order to change.

Your partner was not raised to be the spouse you need. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior, but you do need to understand it. They may be doing it TO you but it not ABOUT you. You gaining a deeper understanding will facilitate more love and compassion. 

Seek understanding.

Be Kind Even When You Do Not Agree

I've told you that "Love Is Not Blind, But Anger Is." I have also told you that you need to "Be A Conscious Partner." Today's tip goes with those two. I can sum up all three this way: In order to be kind to your partner, even when you do not agree, you must become a conscious partner because anger can temporarily blind you to the reality that you are still lovers. When you are a conscious partner, you are intentional with your love, instead of being led by your emotions.

Remember, your spouse is a part of the same marriage as you. That means that you cannot hurt them without hurting the marriage that you are apart of. So many times I've had to hold my tongue because I knew that the "snappy" thing that I wanted to say would have only made things worse and created more cleanup work for us both. But I can only be kind in those moments if:

1. I am committed to living a life of humility. Without making this commitment first, nothing else will work.
2. I make a conscious decision that I am going to treat my wife with love and respect, no matter what.
3. I care more about my wife than how I am feeling in the moment.
4. I remember that she is MY wife. No matter how wrong, annoying, out of line, or unGodly I may think she is, she's still my wife, not my enemy.
5. I have deactivated any triggers from childhood that would make me loving my wife extra difficult when she is being a regular, flawed human being.

Here's what Romans 12: 9-10, 17-18 says: "Don't just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Never pay back even with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."

Now here it is rewritten for your marriage: "Don't just pretend to love your spouse. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. Love them with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring them even when they get on your reserve nerve. Never do tit for tat. Handle them in such a way that everyone in the house can see you are honorable. Do all you can to live in peace with your spouse."

Have As Much Healthy Sex As Possible

I shared with you at the start of these emails that Marriage is God's idea. In conjunction with that, Sex is also God's idea. Unfortunately, what God intended sex to be is no longer the goal, even for married people. The truth is, because so many evil things are fueled by the inappropriate use of sex, people rarely think about sex as God's idea. But it is.

Sex is for marriage. Period. The misuse of something does not change the purpose of the thing being misused. If you are going to create a successful marriage, you may have to look at sex differently. My encouragement is that you have as much sex as possible in your marriage, but first I need you to understand exactly what I mean. I go more in depth on this topic on today's podcast episode. Check out the latest episode below and let me know your feedback.

Protect Your Connections At All Cost

You may not realize it, but when your marriage feels like it is not the place to be, it is NOT because you are fighting, can't communicate, not having enough sex, don't agree on the kids or whatever else you can think of. When your marriage is upside down it is because you guys are disconnected.

Disconnection can be momentary or it can be long term. Either way, when disconnection shows up, the marriage is sick. When your marriage is sick due to disconnection, every problem feels worse. The thing I want you to realize is this...how you feel about anything in your life is based on the lens through which you look at it.

For example, how you would feel about totaling your brand new car depends on the lens through which you view the accident. One person looks through the lens of "I just bought this car! now I have to pay all this money to get it fixed." This lens causes frustration anger and anxiety. But another person looks through the lens of, "I could have died. I'm grateful that I survived." This lens causes gratefulness and appreciation.

In your marriage, you must protect the connection between you. On this planet, Life Happens! What I mean by that is, nothing is perfect. Your partner is going to upset you. Disconnection will cause you to see things worse than what they are, which cause you to feel worse than you normally would, which will cause your behavior and attitude to be unloving.

If you want to have a successful marriage, you have to protect your connection at all costs. If you do not already have the skills then you need to develop the skills to create connection between you. EVERYTHING is better when you guys are connected. When you laugh, it is magnified. When you disagree it is overcome quicker. Good times are better and hard times are easier. We humans thrive when we are well connected!

Protect The Trust At All Cost

I once read a quote that said, "A relationship without trust is like a car with 4 flats...you can be in it but you can't go anywhere." I believe this to be a true observation. If you are going to have a successful marriage, you have to protect the trust in the marriage at all costs.

When I say "trust" I am not only talking about questionable behavior with the opposite sex. That may be the most obvious area of concern when it comes to trust, but for a lot of people it is not the biggest area of concern. Please do not cause your partner to lose trust in you behind another person. But even more important is that you do not cause your partner to stop trusting you with their heart. 😯

Intimate relationships are intimate because of the vulnerability and transparency between you. When your partner stops trusting you with their heart, the first thing that is lost is the connection. Connection and intimacy (when I talk about them) are one and the same. Once they cannot trust you with their heart, the intimacy suffers. (Make sure you read tomorrow's tip on Connection).

Most people know that trust is very important. But most people do not make 'keeping the trust' a primary focus. The reason I am encouraging you to protect the trust between you "at all costs" is because it can cause a domino effect.

THE DOMINO EFFECT
Did you know that when dominoes are lined up, if you knock over the first domino it has the energy behind it to knock over a domino twice its size? For example, a 1" domino can knock over a 2" domino, a 2" domino can knock over a 4" domino, as so on. After the first domino falls, the energy behind each domino increases exponentially. 

Let's say divorce is a 300 foot domino, and distrust is a 1 inch domino. Distrust will not cause a marriage to fail immediately. But if you are not protecting the trust and you knock over than first domino without immediately addressing it, you could be crushed by the energy (negative energy) that subsequent dominoes are producing, making it extremely difficult and costly to stop the inevitable.

Trust is earned by the drop but lost by the buckets.

So. Protect the trust. How? 🤔 Keep your word. Practice consistency. Do not lie. Do not be disrespectful. Do not be impatient. Do not be controlling. Listen more, talk less. Seek understanding. Be genuinely interested in the life of your spouse. All of these could knock over that first domino. If you are not being intentional, by the time you realize the domino effect has started, your marriage could be in "The Sunken Place." 🫣

Do It For The Vine

A few years ago, "do it for the vine" was a popular saying that came from a video that went viral. When it comes to having a successful marriage, I encourage you to do it for the Vine.

What does it mean to "do it for the vine?" Well, one the last times that Jesus talked to his disciples before they killed him, he told them how to be successful at whatever they do. He said, "I am the vine, you are the branches. If you remain in me you will bear much fruit" If you want to read more about that, it is in The Gospel of John, chapter 15.

Here is what I mean by "do it for the vine." God is the vine I am referring to. In marriage, do what you do for God. Learn to serve your partner for God's approval, not your partner's. The reason this is crucially important is because it can help you treat them right when you feel like treating them wrong. Don't lie to yourself...you KNOW you want to treat them wrong sometimes. Not in a premeditated way, but in a "ugly reaction" kind of way.

The way that you can stay off of what I call the "Crazy Train" is by changing the motive for which you do things. (I'm not going to spend time right now diving into it, but remember that "Love" in marriage is the same as "being a servant.") 

When you serve your partner for the approval of your partner then you are less likely to  serve them well when they upset you. But when you serve your partner for God's approval, instead of your partner's approval, you are more likely to serve them even though you may not like them in the moment.

So many times in my own marriage I did not feel like being kind, or talking, or putting her desk together because I didn't like her in the moment. But the reason I still did those things is because I had already decided that I wanted to be a good husband for God's approval, not my wife's.

If you are thinking to yourself, "that sounds hard," it is. At first. But because I wanted to make God smile more than I wanted to make my wife smile, I committed to loving Him more which by default meant I would love her more.

You cannot have the mindset of, "that's not fair," and be successful at this. And I dare say, you will not be successful at marriage period if you believe that "fairness" is a real thing. The concept of 'fair' is a fallacy on this planet. Instead, you need a marriage mindset. That is a mindset of humility. Again, I know it is not easy. If it were, then everybody would be doing it.

Just remember, the "average" marriage ends in divorce. If you want an uncommon marriage then you must have an uncommon approach to doing it. God's way is uncommon (even though it shouldn't be).

Be A Conscious Partner

You may not be aware of this, but we live the majority of our lives on autopilot. Not because we are lazy, but because our brain is masterful at being efficient. Once we learn something well enough, our brain moves it to the 'automatic processing area (APA),' also known as the subconscious. This means that the body can carry out tasks without intentional cognitive brain power.

For example, when you get up to walk, you do not think about telling your legs to move. But the reason that new walkers (infants / toddlers) walk like zombies is because they are thinking about the steps they take. When you are driving your car, you are not thinking, "ok that's a stop sign, step on the brakes with my right foot." You do it without thinking about it because that behavior is now in the APA.

Your brain wants to make life as effortless as possible. This helps us do life much more efficiently. However, there are areas of life that you cannot be successful at if you are doing life on autopilot. When it comes to relationships, particularly marriage, operating from the subconscious will land you weaken your marriage. 

Do you realize that you guys do not have to fight to become distant? Just do nothing and you will naturally drift apart. That's just how things work on this planet. Anything left to itself without being acted upon will gravitate towards chaos. If you plant a garden and leave it alone, the weeds will take over. If you do not brush your teeth, they will eventually fall out of your head, even if you never eat any sugar.

In the same way, your marriage will begin to weaken and become stagnant if you are not intentional about the way you do marriage. The only way to do that is to make a commitment to be a conscious partner and being intentional with your love.

Don't Underestimate The Impact Of Your Childhood

When you were first born, you did not know how to do life on this planet. Everything about what it means to be human, and what it means to be "you" was learned after you arrived. When you got here you had to interact with broken people and they made you believe things about you that were not true. That’s the reality of every human.

But the problem is when you are living life as an adult but still trapped in the world of your childhood. When I say the "world" of your childhood I’m talking about your mind. Your world only exists in your mind.

For example, when your spouse tells you that they want more of your time... how you react to their request is based on how the request is processed in your inner world, regardless of what your spouse meant. If you have a core belief of, "I'm not good enough," then your response will likely be a negative response.

The thing about life and relationships is, if you learn it wrong you will live it wrong. So if your mom yelled at you when she was angry, you could have developed the subconscious belief that yelling is normal AND it is what you deserve.

People mistakingly think that the only people with childhood issues are those that have been molested, abandoned or grew up with an alcoholic. Do not underestimate the impact of your childhood.

Here are some signs that you may have some limiting beliefs from childhood:

1. You get angry fast
2. You are hurt when your partner notices you are not perfect
3. You don’t share your thoughts and feelings
4. You tend to go along to get along
5. You are a people pleaser
6. You don’t know who you are
7. Everybody in your circle or family depends on you
8. You don't have healthy relationships around you
9. You are not kind with yourself
10.  You don’t trust God

These could all be a sign that your inner world is not ok and will wreak havoc on your marriage. You will put unnecessary pressure and expectations on your spouse that they cannot fulfill. For example, trying to get your spouse to love you when you don’t love you. Or, you want your partner to value you, but you don’t value you. Without looking in the mirror, you will think that they are mistreating you when actually YOU are mistreating yourself.

If you are going to have a successful marriage, then you cannot underestimate the impact your childhood has on you. Do the work to become better.

Trust God's Word More Than You Trust Your Own Wisdom

If you have been married longer than a week then you already know how challenging marriage can be. I remember when I used to think that marriage was crazy! But because marriage is God's idea, you definitely want to trust His word more than your own wisdom when it comes to marriage. I can say without any reservation that the reason my marriage has gotten progressively better is because I finally decided to trust God's word more than my logic. 

Check out today's video to learn more about Trusting God's Word More Than Your Own Wisdom.