The Hidden Blessing In Your Conflict
I remember years ago when I first got married, I applied to be the lead over the marriage ministry at my church. I was licensed therapist, I was a licensed preacher and I was now married…surely if anyone qualifies, it would be me, right? Well, that’s not what the lead person said.
I’ll never forget when he told me, “I don’t think you are ready for this role…you haven’t been married long enough and there are some things you just can’t understand until you’ve been through it.” I was not happy! As a matter of fact I was offended.
Ten. Years. Lata. Turns out, he knew what he was talking about! What I thought I knew about marriage 10 years ago, I actually had no clue about. I do not believe anyone or anything could have prepared me to speak into the lives of couples like actually doing marriage has prepared me.
The reason I share that short story with you is because in this post I am going to share some wisdom that you may not believe, initially. But I can assure you that if you embrace what I’m saying, it can change the game for you.
Your Partner Is Not Your Issue
Did that heading make you do a double take? Believe it or not, it is a true statement. Your partner is not your issue. Your partner only exposes your issues. Think about what I am saying before you dismiss it.
I have a client (Partner A) who is ready to leave their marriage because their partner (Partner B) won’t keep their word on things like coming home on time or cutting the grass when they said they would. Partner A (PA) is adamant that their marriage would be better if Partner B (PB) would just stop doing what they are doing.
💥 Here’s the problem. Actually, there are two problems: 1. PA cannot control PB which means if PA needs PB to act a certain way in order for PA to be ok, then PA is allowing themselves to be controlled by PB. 2. Partner B is not Partner A’s issue…the behavior of Partner B only exposes the issue that Partner A has inside of them.
In other words, the real issue that PA has is their inability to be a good partner if their spouse is not being good. I talked about this in my video, “Why Are Married People So Needy?” The reality is that the person who triggers you the most is the person who is exposing the areas in which you need to grow.
One of the biggest challenges of embracing this idea is that we are so conditioned to believe that someone else is responsible for how we feel. Your feelings come from your thoughts and interpretations and you are the only one in control of that. Your biggest enemy will ALWAYS be your inner-me.
The way that you have a great marriage is by BECOMING a great spouse, not wishing you had one. Even when your partner is wrong, how you respond to them is 100% up to you, not them. You get to determine if you are going to respond to them in a way that makes them want to come close or pushes them away.
Stop blaming your partner for how miserable you are. By the way, did you know that people are happy internally do not need their partner to be a certain way in order to accept them?
Divorce the fantasy in your head so that you can learn to love the stranger in your bed. And stop focusing so much on what you are receiving. Instead, focus more on the quality of your giving.
Be Encouraged.