Remove The Obligation Of Your Happiness From Your Spouse

One of the main reasons that people get married is to be happy. Of course, hardly anyone would ever admit it. But if you are going to create a successful marriage, you will have to take full responsibility for your own happiness. If you don't take full responsibility for your happiness you will try to make your spouse responsible for it. That is a recipe for disappointment and failure. Check out this video...

Prioritize Your Friendship

It is unfortunate that we are so bad at doing relationships. This was not God's plan in the beginning. 

The thing that separates marriage from all other relationships is the level of intimacy. Without the deepest level of intimacy, marriage is just like any other relationship. What is the deepest level of intimacy? When you can have all 3 combined in one relationship: Emotional, Spiritual and Physical intimacy.

The emotional intimacy is the one that the feeds the other two. This is the area where most marriages are lost long before they get divorced. Prioritizing your friendship helps keep the emotional intimacy growing.

The friendship between you and your spouse is very important. Your friendship is what holds the "like" between you. It is what makes you be kind when you are mad at each other. It is what helps apologies and forgiveness to happen sooner rather than later.

I could talk more about what friendship means in marriage. But my main goal here is to tell you to make your friendship a priority. How?

1. Stay curious about one another. Too often after a certain amount of time, people pridefully assume that they know their partner so well that they no longer have to learn about them. HUGE mistake. Stay curious about your partner. What makes them smile, and what makes them frown. What are their desires? Dreams? Problems? Fears? Likes?
2. Consistently spending quality time together. We can't get closer if we don't spend quality time together. "Quality Time" means time spent together focused on each other.
3. Laugh together as much as possible. God in his wisdom made something that feels good doing also healing for the soul. Laughter is medicine for a lot of things in life. And there's nothing more connecting than laughing with your life partner.

Focus on these 3 to start. This is how you prioritize your friendship. The reason you want to do this is because your friendship will carry you when the marriage seems too weak to continue.

Fear And Pride Are Your Enemies

If you've been following me for a while then you that I talk a lot about the danger of pride. To create a successful marriage you have to understand the danger of fear and pride because they are not as obvious as you may think.

Check out this video to learn more.

The danger of Pride

Love Is Not Blind But Anger Is!

You've probably heard the saying, "Love is blind." This is a true saying if we are saying what scripture already says, which is that "Love covers a multitude of sins." However, a while back I learned something about anger that I believe is crucial for you to understand if you are going to be successful at marriage.

My wife and I was having "intense fellowship" (that means we were having a conflict) and I was angry about the way she was interpreting my behavior. SIDE NOTE: The fact that I was angry because of "HER interpretation" should have been a clue that sin was crouching at my door...we call that "Pride."

As we were talking, she became frustrated and began to cry. When she began to cry, I stopped talking, but I was unable to do what I tell clients to do. In that moment she needed my comfort and I did not give it. The next day as I was processing my immature behavior, I realized why I did not (and actually could not) offer her comfort.

My anger blinded me to the reality of the love between us. In that moment, my pride had me more focused on my anger than her tears. THAT IS DANGEROUS!! Please hear me, that behavior is anti-marriage, anti-love and just flat-out wrong.

But here's what I learned from that. When the bible says, "Don't sin by letting anger control you," it is because anger kicks the door wide open for pride to walk in. When you operate in pride, NOTHING good can ever come of it. I often hear people say, "when we are good we are good, but when we are bad it is really bad." Why? Because when you are angry you are less likely to see your spouse as your life partner. It is easier to see and treat them as your enemy. They are not!

You may not like what they've done or said. You may not like their lack of support or comfort. But they are not your enemy. You need to be aware that anger, if not handled properly, can destroy your marriage. I'm not telling you to never get angry. But I am saying, do not interact with your partner while you are angry. It will cost you too much.

Become A Professional Forgiver

One thing you cannot do is have healthy human relationships without being a forgiver. It is simply not possible. A lot people do not understand what forgiveness is and I want to help you with that. If you are going to create a successful marriage then I strongly encourage you to learn.

When I say "professional forgiver" I mean that you understand forgiveness AND you have practice it long enough to where you can do it effortlessly and quickly. To some, that may sound unrealistic. It's not. The truth is, without forgiveness you will not be able to build anything worth living in.

Do whatever work you need to do so that you are not the kind of person that holds on to injuries your partner causes. I'm not saying that it is easy, but it is very necessary. Forgiveness is not about "letting them off the hook" because the hook is actually in you, not them. Harboring unforgiveness to hurt your partner is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

If you are going to create a successful marriage, you must become a professional forgiver. It is a skill and you must develop it. Save the image below to your phone so you can refer back to it often.

Be Committed To Personal Development

Someone asked me once, "what is the number one skill that a person needs in order to be successful at marriage?" Most people would say it is communication. You do need to be an effective communicator, but that's not the number one skill. Some would say "emotional maturity." Another good guess, but no cigar.

The number one skill that every married person needs to be committed to is personal development. The reality is that all of us are flawed. All of us humans have issues. The only way for two flawed humans to have a successful marriage is to be committed to growing into the persons God created them to be.

In actuality, personal development is more of a mindset than a skill. I strongly encourage you to BE the kind of person that is not satisfied with average. Being committed to personal development is a commitment to grow. Nothing will require you to grow like relationships, especially marriage.

Sometimes when I work with people I will tell them to read a certain book. When they tell me "I don't like to read," I usually think, "That is why your life looks the way it does." You have to realize that there is so much about life you do not know or understand. How will you become better if you do not read? Who taught you how to do marriage?

Here are some reasons you should be committed to personal development:

• You love your partner and you want to give them the best of you.
• You are blocking blessings God wants to give you because you are not mature enough to receive them.
• You likely came out of childhood without a clear sense of who you are.
• God is anti-average (Revelation 3:15-17)
• Nobody taught you how to love
• Your children deserve a better parent!

The only things that do not grow are dead things. While all of us are dying, if you are not growing you are dying faster.

The bulk of marriage work is individual work. Your biggest challenge is not your partner's behavior, but it is how you respond to your partner's behavior. And you cannot respond well if you are not growing. 

Again, it seems simple, but do not over look ANY of these 30 things. Personal development may be the determining factor of what your life will look like in 5 years. And the truth is, your relationship with yourself is going to directly affect your relationship with God.

If you are going to have a successful marriage, in light of the fact that you both are flawed, you need to be committed to personal development.

Do Not Say Unloving Things To One Another

The nursery rhyme, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," is a lie. Not only is it a lie, it is a very dangerous lie.Words can crush a soul. If you are going to have a successful marriage you have to be mindful of what you say to one another.

You cannot say whatever comes to your mind simply because it came to your mind. I encourage you to "speak the truth in love." That means that when you communicate, always make sure that what you have to say to your partner honors the love you say you have for your partner. The truth without love is like surgery without anesthesia. It is unnecessarily painful.

Today I was reading Proverbs 6. In verse 16 it talks about 7 things that God hates. Three of the 7 had to do with harmful communication. Proverbs 12:18 says, "Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing." Commit to being a source of healing for your partner.

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Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything. - Proverbs 13:3

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I was talking to my wife last night and we both concluded that it is not wise to address ANY issue while you are still upset about the issue. I know that sounds hard because we want to talk about everything immediately. Don't worry, I will teach in this soon. But for now, make it your business to care more about your partner than you care about being right, making your point, or getting them straight.

The reason you do not want to say unloving things to your partner is because the sting of those words will last long after the event that made you say them has passed. And stop making excuses for yourself saying, "That's just the way I am" or "that's just the way I talk." 

Here are some examples of 'unloving talk':

• Sarcasm (get rid of sarcasm IMMEDIATELY)
• Blaming
• Yelling
• Lying (including lying by omission)
• Negative talk about your partner to someone else
• Negative talk about your partner in your head, even if you never say it out loud

You may have grown up in a household were respectful language was only heard when things were good. Or perhaps you never heard respectful language growing up 🤷🏾‍♂️. Don't forget that if you learn it wrong you will live it wrong. It is up to you to change the dysfunctional way you learned to do relationships. It did not feel good to you back then and it will not feel good to your spouse.

This may seem like a small thing to be on the short list of things to focus on if you want a successful marriage, but it is not! Do not take for granted the little sly remarks to say to each other. Remember, resentment most often grows little by little over time. By the time you notice resentment it has already grown deep roots and will be hard to heal. Sadly, most people don't heal it...they just let it live inside thinking they can still experience the fullness of joy that comes with loving someone. They can't.

Can I coach you right quick? "Do not say unloving things to another."

Tomorrow I'm going to talk about the number one skill every married person needs.

Manage Your Expectations

When you decided to get married, what did you expect? What beliefs did you have that turned out to be different than your reality? Did you know that NOBODY marries the person they think they married? You may be shocked by that but it is true.

The thing about your expectations when it comes to marriage is that most of them, if not all of them, are based on thoughts and desires you had before you ever met your partner. Think about that. Your idea of a husband or wife was already formed when you met the person you married. That means that your ideas about a spouse were not created with your current spouse in mind. No one on the planet, including your current spouse, can fit into your "spouse idea box" that you created in your head. By default that makes it unrealistic...fantasy.

Your "Spouse Fantasy" automatically creates unrealistic expectations, most of which you never speak. The reason it is important to explore your expectations is because your level of frustration will match your level of unmet expectations. Without a better understanding, you will blame your partner for you unmet expectations that they never agreed to meet.

Example: I recently discovered that my wife had a fantasy that her husband would take care of the maintenance of her car like she imagined. What she did not know is that the husband she chose has had 11 (ELEVEN) cars of his own and the current one is the first one that he has consistently gotten the oil changed. 

What you may think is common sense is only common because you learned it. The question is, did your spouse learn it? Did they learn it the way you learned it? Did learning it impact them the way it did you? 

*NEWS FLASH*

YOUR PARTNER WAS NOT RAISED TO BE THE SPOUSE YOU NEED

The reason you want to manage your expectations is because they are yours. You are the one who suffers when they are not met. I'm not saying do not have expectations. I'm saying to communicate them with your partner and then you both agree on them. The only expectations that truly matter in the marriage are the ones you both agree on.

If you are going to have a successful marriage, you will have to divorce the fantasy in your head so that you can learn to love the stranger in your bed.

Stay tuned for tomorrow...

Marriage Is God's Idea

Before I get into today’s insight, I want to give a little back story on why I chose the 30 things I chose. What I am sharing with you over these 30 days are not random suggestions about marriage. I asked myself the question, “If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, what would I tell people about marriage to help them create a successful marriage if no one told them anything else?” That is how these things came to be. I share this backstory to help you understand how important these things are. These are all foundational.

HERE'S THE THING...

If you are going to have a successful marriage, it is very important for you to understand that marriage is God’s idea. That means that He created it. Why does it matter that we understand who created it? Because the creator of something is the one who determines the purpose of it and how it works best.

When you buy a Samsung refrigerator, you don’t look to Maytag to tell you how to best operate Samsung’s product. Maytag may also make refrigerators, so there may be similarities, but to get the best out of your Samsung you would be wise to look to Samsung because they are the one’s who created the product.

In the same way, because God created marriage, He is the one who is best qualified to tell you how to make it successful. You do not have to believe it in order for it to be true no more than you have to believe in gravity for it to be true. However, you will suffer the natural consequences of going against gravity, just as you will suffer the natural consequences of doing marriage your way.

Care More About What You Are Giving Than What You Are Receiving

If you are going to create a successful marriage you will have to mature to the place where you focus more on what you are giving than what you are receiving. I know this opposite of what society promotes, however it is key to not getting trapped in pride.

Pride is the opposite of Love. Love is not about you, it is about the person you are loving. However, Pride is all about "your needs, your wants, your hurts, your desires," etc. You cannot walk in Love and pride at the same time. And pride is at the root of 100% of divorces.

This is not an invitation for abuse. When you Love appropriately then your boundaries will guide you away from abuse. Hopefully you are not in an abusive or toxic relationship. If you are, why??

Remember, Love is not a boomerang that you throw out expecting it to return. That is what we call pride. Love, on the other hand, has no expectation of a return. So when you give it, give it because you want to and not to get something back from your partner.

"Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other." - Romans 12:10