How I learned to Love

The single most difficult job I have ever had is parenting. Teenagers are the devil! No, not really, but they sure make you feel that way sometimes. The reality is that you children are going to disappoint you. But what I learned is that when they mess up it actually presents me with opportunities to really parent. It wasn't until I had to love my oldest son through a very painful and disappointing senior year of high school that I really understood the love of God and how to truly love unconditionally. Most people feel that loving your child unconditionally is automatic. Perhaps it is in theory, but not in practice. I realized that I had a way that I expected my son to live his life and when he deviated from that I was very disappointed. I fussed, I screamed, I got angry, I threatened to put him out and I even gave up hope. But it in the midst of all of that that God showed me how He love's me and how I should love my son. Here are some key things I learned about loving unconditionally and parenting.

• I learned that my children are human just like me. Now I know that may not seem like something that one would have to learn. But what I mean is, I had to wrap my mind around the reality that no matter how much I want them to be a certain way or do a certain thing, they are a human with free will just like me. They can choose to do what I want or not. I had to accept the fact that if my children chose to go down a path that is destructive then it was their life to do that. While their choices may hurt me, they are theirs to make. So I had to take the responsibility of "making" them good people off of me. God never gave me that responsibility anyway.
   
• I learned how to love even when I did not feel like loving. My initial response to my son was anger, disappointment and frustration. I wanted to punish him for letting me down. But I realized that what he needed from me was to know that he was loved even when I was disappointed in him. I did not want to send the message that "I don't like what you are doing so you are not worthy of my love." If God did me that way I would be lost! I did not feel like being a parent to him. But I knew that if I did not do it then it would only hurt him, not help him. I did not accept the choices he made but I learned to accept him. I love my son no matter what choices he makes that I do not agree with.
   
• I learned that love has to be intentional. Let's face it, life is busy. At that time I was a single parent, in school and working full-time. While I always thought of myself a good parent, I realized that I did not show enough intentional love. I took care of my children because I loved them. I fed them, clothed them, gave them a place to stay and we even had fun from time to time. But that's not really intentional love. Intentional love is when you do something specifically with love in mind, not out of habit or routine. I believe my son needed more of my time and attention, but I didn't see it.

I am a better parent now because of the difficulties of parenting. My children are good children but they are not perfect. I understand now that my role in their lives at this point (they are 16, 18, 20 and 21) is more like a mentor trying to help them become who God wants them to be. I can only direct, I cannot determine.

Creating Attention Seekers

We live in a world where everyone seems to be seeking attention. Social media has gotten out of control all because so many people are seeking attention. What you may not know is that attention seeking is actually "love seeking." This is most often a childhood deficiency that shows up in adulthood as selfishness, self-absorbed or needy. Attention seeking is dangerous because it opens the door for emotional exploitation. Adults seeking attention trying to feel special are looking outside of themselves for validation because not enough deposits were made on the inside to know their value. This is called "other-esteem" instead of "self-esteem." But what can we as parents do to help our child(ren) grow up to be emotionally intelligent adults who know how to esteem themselves?

The answer is simple and yet so many parents fail to do it. Here it is: Love them unconditionally and intentionally. Simple, right? I'm sure most think that this is what they do anyway, but they miss important signs that their child is seeking love from them. If a child is SEEKING love then it means that somewhere they got the sense that love was deficient. 

If you notice your child(ren) doing things to get your attention and trying to prove to you that they are special then that is a red flag. Stop them immediately and let them know that they are special just because they are. If they feel they have to prove to you that they are "amazing" then it could mean that they don't get that message from you automatically. It is fine to reward good behavior, but too often parents will withhold love when the child exhibits bad behavior. That's because parents haven't learned the difference between love and privilege. 

Love should ALWAYS be unconditional. Privileges are not unconditional. Parents must work at discipling their child while at the same time making sure that child knows that they are loved. Providing food, shelter, and clothes are not enough. As adults we may think they should "just know" based on all we do for them, but children do not process the world that way. That's why your love has to be intentional. If you would like more about the subject of intentionally loving your child then email me at clifton@learntlove101.com