I went looking at model homes today. These homes were absolutely gorgeous! The whole neighborhood was filled with beautiful homes. I begin to think "I'd like a home that looks like this one day." There were also some homes in the neighborhood that were not complete yet. Some had the frame walls with no sheetrock. Some had sheetrock but no brick. And then for some of the homes only the foundation had been poured but nothing else. It got me to thinking about the building process. The foundation of the house had to be laid first so that the house could be stable and sturdy. The foundation is not the most beautiful part of the house, but it is the most crucial because without it then the "beauty" has nothing to stand on. Nobody drives by a foundation and say, "That foundation is beautiful, I want one like that." It is the finished product that we desire.

Often times we see beautiful marriages and we treat them like the homes in a new neighborhood. We see all of the outward beauty and we say, "I want a marriage like that one day!" (Sadly, even married people look at other marriages wishing they had what another marriage has). But we see these beautiful marriages we never think about what it took to make it beautiful. I've said many times that great marriages don't just happen, you have to work at it. Part of that work is building a strong foundation on which the marriage can stand. We all want great marriages but very few people actually put in the work on the front end to have the marriage they believed they were getting into when they said "I do." While many factors play a part in the continuous success of marriage, nothing is more crucial than the foundation.

There are 3 main ingredients that make up the foundation of marriages that thrive...Forgiveness, Communication and Conflict Resolution. Without these three your marriage will never be as beautiful as marriage was meant to be. You may be asking why did I not include Love in the foundation. That is because Love and Marriage go together like a horse and carriage. (I hope you are laughing...that was funny to me). Ok sorry, back to being serious...Love in the Marriage is a constant. Marriage is the house in which love resides but it is the foundation that makes the free flow of love possible. So love is not a part of the foundation, Love is the occupant of the marriage house. So let's talk about these 3 crucial elements that make of the foundation of a strong marriage.

Forgiveness
There is no way to successfully be in ANY relationship with another Earthling and not be a forgiver. Forgiveness is the key to emotional wholeness. Moreover, without forgiveness there can be no growth because unforgiveness hinders intimacy. You cannot avoid hurting and disappointing each other. Forgiveness allows for intimacy to continue to flow. One of the misconceptions about forgiving someone is that it let's them off the hook. No, it let's YOU off the hook. Forgiving your spouse allows you to move past it and makes ready the heart for reconciliation. Forgiveness does not mean, "You hurt me and it is ok." Not at all. It just means you refuse to hold on to whatever the issue is because it will eventually turn into bitterness and resentment. These are marriage killers.

Communication
We all have heard how important communication is, but we still have a difficult time doing it effectively in marriage. The biggest hinderance to effective communication in marriage is our own insecurities and brokenness. We bring into the marriage baggage that does not get unpacked until AFTER we say "I do" and it causes major problems. This is probably the most common issue I see in therapy and what I address the most. Teaching couples how to communicate their genuine, softer feelings is the goal of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). What happens is that we have sore spots that our spouses are not aware of, and sometimes we are not aware of them ourselves, and when they touch them we respond in a way that is counterproductive to intimacy. We end up in a negative cycle of communication that is easily triggered by one word, one look, one sigh, one silent response. You must make effective communication your priority.

Conflict-Resolution
In case you haven't noticed, all three of these are intertwined and they overlap. If you cannot effectively resolve conflict then you will not have a thriving marriage. Resolving conflict does not mean you stop arguing but the issue is never addressed. Forgiveness and communication are all a part of the conflict resolution process. You have to be diligent about addressing things that are causing major issues because unresolved conflict will begin to erode your marital bond. Again, intimacy cannot flow freely when conflict goes unresolved.

In closing let me say that all frustration is birthed out of unmet expectations. Often times expectations go unmet because they are unshared and yet they are still expected. These 3 elements of the marital foundation will address this problem. So the next time you are "browsing" marriages and you come across one you like, remember that you can have one too if you build it on this foundation. And I know someone is wondering where does God fit in. God is the adhesive agent that binds these three crucial elements together so that you can build a marriage where love can reside and flow freely. Without God the foundation will never pass inspection. Now, go build a thriving marriage!