The nursery rhyme, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me," is a lie. Not only is it a lie, it is a very dangerous lie.Words can crush a soul. If you are going to have a successful marriage you have to be mindful of what you say to one another.
You cannot say whatever comes to your mind simply because it came to your mind. I encourage you to "speak the truth in love." That means that when you communicate, always make sure that what you have to say to your partner honors the love you say you have for your partner. The truth without love is like surgery without anesthesia. It is unnecessarily painful.
Today I was reading Proverbs 6. In verse 16 it talks about 7 things that God hates. Three of the 7 had to do with harmful communication. Proverbs 12:18 says, "Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing." Commit to being a source of healing for your partner.
Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything. - Proverbs 13:3
I was talking to my wife last night and we both concluded that it is not wise to address ANY issue while you are still upset about the issue. I know that sounds hard because we want to talk about everything immediately. Don't worry, I will teach in this soon. But for now, make it your business to care more about your partner than you care about being right, making your point, or getting them straight.
The reason you do not want to say unloving things to your partner is because the sting of those words will last long after the event that made you say them has passed. And stop making excuses for yourself saying, "That's just the way I am" or "that's just the way I talk."
Here are some examples of 'unloving talk':
- Sarcasm (get rid of sarcasm IMMEDIATELY)
- Blaming
- Yelling
- Lying (including lying by omission)
- Negative talk about your partner to someone else
- Negative talk about your partner in your head, even if you never say it out loud
You may have grown up in a household were respectful language was only heard when things were good. Or perhaps you never heard respectful language growing up 🤷🏾♂️. Don't forget that if you learn it wrong you will live it wrong. It is up to you to change the dysfunctional way you learned to do relationships. It did not feel good to you back then and it will not feel good to your spouse.
This may seem like a small thing to be on the short list of things to focus on if you want a successful marriage, but it is not! Do not take for granted the little sly remarks to say to each other. Remember, resentment most often grows little by little over time. By the time you notice resentment it has already grown deep roots and will be hard to heal. Sadly, most people don't heal it...they just let it live inside thinking they can still experience the fullness of joy that comes with loving someone. They can't.
Can I coach you right quick? "Do not say unloving things to another."
Tomorrow I'm going to talk about the number one skill every married person needs.