Have you ever tried to change a behavior that is negatively affecting your marriage or relationship but over and over you fail? The reason for this is because your outward behavior, regardless of what it is, is only a sign of what is in your heart. Trying to have behavior change without having a heart change is a clear road to frustration and disappointment.
Proverbs 4:23 says to guard your heart above all else because it determines the course of your life. Before I continue, let me explain what I (and Proverbs) mean by the “heart.” The heart we are referring to is not the muscle in your chest that pumps blood. We are actually talking about the intersection of the will and the emotions…where we choose and feel. Some may understand the heart to be the mind, which is different from the brain. The brain is a physical part of the body just as the heart is, however the Mind is the complexity of the human soul, which is different from the spirit. Are you confused yet? I’m not trying to confuse you. The basic message I want to convey as it relates to understanding what the Heart (or mind) is is this: What is seen in world (your behavior) is a result of what is going on in an unseen world (your heart).
When Solomon says guard your heart above all else, in essence what he is saying is “be careful about what you allow your senses (taste, touch, see, smell, hear) to experience because it will affect your mind and then your mind will determine how you live life on this planet.”
In Luke 6:45 Jesus expounds on the heart when he says ‘A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and bad person produces bad things from the treasury of a bad heart.’ What He is saying is that the fruit you get from a tree is because of the kind of tree it is. If you have an apple tree that produces brown inedible apples season after season then it means that something is wrong with the tree at the root level. In this example, the apple represents your words and behavior and the roots of the tree represent your heart. So, what comes out of you is what is in you.
Now (that was just the introduction), as you try to do marriage or relationships, you find that you may have certain unpleasant behaviors that you cannot simply discipline yourself to stop. These are usually the result of a damaged heart. To be more specific, I’m talking about anger, people pleasing and revenge (you hurt me so I’m going to hurt you). There are many fruit that hurt relationships but these are probably the most harmful. in order to address these issues you must address your heart, not your behavior. If you try to address your behavior only it would be like cutting off all of the apples of that tree that is always producing brown inedible apples in hopes that when the branches grow back it will produce delicious red apples without addressing the real problem…the roots. It’s a bad tree.
A good tree
bears good fruit, while a bad tree bears bad fruit.
Unlike trees, we humans can change our roots. We can change (‘heal’ is a better word) our hearts. You may not even know how your heart got damaged. Most often our hearts are damaged in childhood. So much of what you learned as a child about how to do life on this planet was flat out wrong. Some of it you learned indirectly by the way you were treated. Some of it you learned from a parent who was giving your their interpretation of life through the lens of fear (i.e. don’t ever depend on no one, real men don’t cry, shut and sit down so you won’t bother people.) These things damaged your heart. If you were abused then your heart was definitely damaged. Some of the things your learned were ‘the world is not safe, I can’t trust anyone, love hurts, I’m not good enough, I don’t deserve to be happy, I have to be perfect to be loved, and it’s my fault.
Without dealing with your heart issues, you are sure to wreak havoc on your relationship with your damaged heart. In another post I will talk about how to address your heart issues but in this post I want to give you some tell-tell signs that you have critical heart issues:
You get angry over what your mate calls “small things”
You hold on to anger long after the offense has passed
You think of ways of getting even with them, even if you never actually do it
You cannot accept a genuine apology
You shut down most of the time instead of trying to resolve conflict
You blame your mate or someone else for the way you feel
You are not happy with yourself
You can’t receive the love your mate has for you
You are critical of yourself
You feel trapped in your relationship
You need others to like you to feel valued
You are depressed or deal with debilitating anxiety
You struggle with guilt and shame
Don’t ever forget that your life is YOUR responsibility. God gave it to you to make great, not your mate. You have to work on your own heart issues, whether they decide to change or not. I hope this was informative. Again, I will share more on how to address your heart issues in my next post.